Then and Now

9 months ago I started blogging about the loss of my husband... and I started out thinking it would help me to work thru the pain of my loss... but somewhere along the way I stopped blogging because I stopped feeling, because I stopped believing, I simply just stopped living.  I truly believed I would never feel anything good again.  My pain overwhelmed me and it felt as if it had swallowed me whole. I could not see past the loss of my darling Bobby, the loss of my home and the life I thought would have. My dreams of the future died the day he died and for a season I felt as dead as he was.  I thought I was going to walk out my widowhood with strength and dignity .. . that in the mist of my pain I would gain some profound revelation that would make a difference and make me feel as if it something good had come from my lose.. but that did not manifest as I sank deeper and deeper into the hole of depression and fear.   But along the way God held me safe in His hands til I was strong enough to feel again to believe again to hope again. 9 months later I can say something did come out of the suffering and loss. In the process of having most of my life and most of what I believed  stripped away.... I found the very thing I needed to keep going.... I found me as God saw me.  In the mist of it all God allowed me time to wade through the false beliefs I had about HIM and myself. I was shifted as sand and found wanting yet HE gave me grace and those things that were not of HIM were removed.  I  found the peace I so desperately needed to move forward.  I found that while my relationship with HIM was not the greatest in the beginning of this process HE continued to woo me to HIM!  I now have a deeper walk with my Savior than I ever thought was possible... I am HIS beloved and HE is mine. I understand love in a way I never understood before.  Thru a series of events, the right people have been placed into my life at each junction that have helped me walk out my healing.  I am surrounded by friends who love me just as I am, who encourage and support my new life and are excited with me and for me about my future.  The greatest gift I received from God was this revelation.... My darling is more alive than he has ever been, he is happier and healthier than he ever was on this earth. I can honor him most by living each day here on earth to its fullest and knowing that he is in that great cloud cheering me on!