Life as I know it...

I used to blog on a semi-regular basis but I noticed today the last blog I did was March 9, 2011. In that moment a rush of memories and emotions overwhelmed me. So much has changed since that day… on April 19, 2011 these words stop my life as I knew it…

“Mrs. Ammons your husband’s MRI showed a lesion on the bone in his upper right arm, he needs to see your primary care physician first thing in the morning and Mrs. Ammons please immobilize his arm as it is very fragile and the slightest bump could break it. I never planned to ever blog about this… but my spirit says the time is now… there may be some who this blog will upset (not my intent and I am sorry), make angry or even cause some to say I am a liar simply seeking attention. To those who will say what they say... I say this, if me baring my soul helps just one person, then it will be worth the scorn you may heap on me. If it upsets you because of your love for Bobby, our pain is temporary but we have an obligation to not let his death be in vain. We need to share with all who he was and why we loved him! This will be the first in a series of blogs that will deal with how I am learning to live after the death of my husband and the lessons God taught me while dealing with cancer even though I did not know it at the time. 

Lesion is a nice euphemism for tumor… a tumor that turned out to be lung cancer that had moved from my husbands’ lung into his bones. Over the next 5 1/2 months we learned all kinds of new medical terms, we learned about chemo drugs & radiation about how much pain a human body can handle and finally we learned what happens when the body can no longer handle the pain or fight the evil we call cancer. My darling husband and I fought the good fight… we prayed and we believed for his healing, we followed his doctors’ orders and I and others made him miserable changing everything in his life trying desperately to find the right combination of food, faith and treatments to stop his cancer… it all failed. Somewhere along the way I stopped feeling, I stopped thinking and I simply stopped being me. Cancer became my normal, watching my husband suffer in pain and react to his meds was how I filled my days. I became a caregiver to the person I loved the most on this earth, yet I felt as helpless as I believe a person can as I realized I could not stop his cancer and more ill he became the more emotionless I got. I stopped feeling, I stopped thinking and at times I felt as if I stopped breathing…. Yet my body kept moving. I just did what I thought was best to do… somewhere along the way I started thinking if I was the best nurse maid, wife or whatever my title of the day was it would fix “it” and I could get my husband back.

But nothing worked… the moment he took his last breath I felt as if I had failed on a level that there would be no going back to life for me. I never felt as worthless in my life as I did in that moment… I had failed I had not done it right… cause if I had he would have survived his dance with the demon we call cancer. I made sure his funeral was just as he wanted, I did my duty and shook hands with people and said all the right things, I hope as I don’t remember most of it. The body kept moving the mind and the feeling part of me stayed frozen and for a while I thought I would stay that way for the rest of my life, part of me actually prayed I would stay numb as the thought of feeling frightened me. I was sure at the time if all that hurt ever came out it would overwhelm and destroy me. 

But God had other plans and over the last few weeks I have felt angry, heartbroken, numb, hurt and loved sometimes all in one day. When the feelings first began to come back the stronger emotions had control… anger and hurt. I wanted to break something, cuss God (yes I said this out loud… He knew how I felt it didn’t shock Him in the least) or anyone who crossed my path. I lashed out at those deserving of it and sometimes those who didn’t. I floated thru for the first few weeks as I was able to hide away, and honestly since most people have no clue what to say to a woman who has lost her man, they tend to let one hibernate. As I was forced to deal with the “real” world, I soon realized God was not going to let me continue the angry wounded animal thing much longer. 

I will admit God is way sneakier than I gave Him credit for … in the beginning He asked me to release the anger and offense I had with others. That was the easy part; I know what the Bible says about offense so I knew that my offense and anger with Him and others would stand in the way of my relationship with Him. I struggled a little but once the Great I AM… points His finger at an issue in my life I don’t usually fight it too much. In the writing of this first blog since my husband’s illness and death He just pointed to another area that is in need of work… my offense with myself. My husband did not survive lung cancer, I don’t know why. Depending on your theological bent you may have a possible explanation and truthfully even my own theology does not line up with what happened. But the one thing I do know is the word says, we know in part, we see in part… so we will see what the next part brings as I tackle this next stage in my grief and healing.

A Year with God by R.P. Nettelhorst

Daily reading and reflections on God's own words, is an accurate subtitle of this 365 day daily devotion and scripture reading. The book is also a resource for ten specific topics that are relevant in our world today. Filled with God's words as the answer to our problems and issues we face today. I was somewhat surprised that the entire daily readings of Scripture are taken from the Old Testament only. I feel it lacks balance in some areas that are addressed differently under the New Covenant and leaves a reader with more of a legalistic approach to Christianity than the relational aspects of it. Over all an okay devotion if it is used with a daily devotion that also pulls from the New Testament.

Disclosure of Material Connection: I received this book free from the publisher through the BookSneeze®.com book review bloggers program. I was not required to write a positive review. The opinions I have expressed are my own. I am disclosing this in accordance with the Federal Trade Commission's 16 CFR, Part 255 : "Guides Concerning the Use of Endorsements and Testimonials in Advertising."

I have a picture of a beautiful bridge that is called Crossing Over it is a painting by James Nesbit. I bought the picture about two years ago… it appealed to me as I had been told once I would be a bridge to the ones that left and the ones that stayed. At the time I was given this word I was part of a congregation that was having problems and a group of people left who were near and dear to me (and still are) but as time went on I realized there was deeper truth in the word but to be honest until today it has been sitting on the shelf. Let me explain for a moment the privilege I have of being in prayer partnership with people that are part of my home congregation and outside of it also. I have the blessed privilege to be friends with & partner with others in our area that are contending for awakening and revival in our area. It never occurs to me to be the least bit worried that my partnership with these may cause awakening to happen in their congregations before it happens in my home congregation… in fact I pray for it to happen at their place as much as I pray for it to happen in mine. There is something in me that knows this is not divided loyalty but a true heart loyalty to the only “church” that really matters… HIS church, HIS body, HIS people, not the building or group in which they reside!!!! ! I don’t care where revival breaks out in this region… JUST LET IT START SOMEWHERE! Which brings me back to the Bridge.


I got a call this morning from a dear sister in Christ and close friend who is contending for the soul and life of a man who is in the grips of drugs and hopelessness… the hold over his life has caused him such distress he is threatening suicide (as of this writing I have not heard of the out come of the situation so I ask you to continue to pray). Although he loves GOD he is unable to overcome the addiction and fears that have control of his life. He has given up… but there are those who so desire to see him succeed in being who God created him to be, they are bridging the gap for him and standing (or laying down in prayer) on his behalf. This man's struggle is simply a symptoms of the bigger issue in our area. The enemy has us so divided we are not effective in truly helping those around us… we are no more effective helping those we are acquainted with than those we are not. This mans story has so gripped my heart… I don’t know him… never met him, but he is a brother a fellow traveler on this road of life. How many have we lost because we failed to recognize we are to be bridges? We talk a good game about sharing the love of Christ but love is not a feeling love is an action. Love says when no one else will I will. When all have given up I haven’t. Love is being willing to give up your comfortable morning of coffee and facebook to contend in prayer for a complete stranger. Love is not a religious moment of… “Dear Lord you know the need…. if it Your will save this man. Amen let me get back to my life now.” It is laying it down and saying GOD grant him mercy no matter how many times he has failed in the past… Your word says your mercy is new EVERY DAY so grants him mercy today! To quote something I read last night… Pray until! Now hear me… you do not have to be a “called intercessor” to pray these kind of prayers… I had a revelation this morning when someone said yes they would pray with me about this… it was “reasonable service”!!!!! LET ME TELL YOU THIS IS WHAT GOD IS LOOKING FOR… for us to simply do our reasonable service! He did not heal us and make us whole so we could sit around and pat each other on the back and sing the world’s version of kum by ya! He made us whole so we could in turn stand and fight for those still hurting… whether that fight is to break off the strongholds off a region, city or people! We to often stand as watchdogs instead of watchmen… we are so concerned about our family, home and congregations that while we will go thru the religious motions for one such as this our heart is not really invested for fear that God may ask more of us then a simple 5 or 10 minutes of prayer.


We must stop our vain and religious behaviors and contend for the broken people, the broken cities and the broken region we live in… whether your part is to pray for people, places or things…. Regardless of what congregation you are part of… realize that we are only a part of a bigger whole… it is time we stepped up to the plate and gave our reasonable service! There are those who are desperate to Cross Over into the Kingdom…. But can’t find a bridge to use to get there. Are you willing to lay down in the service of the KING OF KING’S for them to use you to do so…. will you lay down your wants needs and desire to be a bridge? Your healing and wholeness is not a prize to sit on the shelf and brag about what GOD has done for you, it is a mighty weapon in the hand of GOD if you will simply be willing! Awakening Revival and Reformation will not come to our region and our country until we get off our blessed assurances and be willing to do whatever it takes to see it happen! GOD is waiting on HIS people to be hungrier for HIM than comfort and compromise!


As a side note… I looked up the words to the song Kumbyya…. I think we totally missed the true meaning to the song! I am now a lover of this song that used to make me cringe… thank YOU FATHER for the daily lessons you teach me! I am humbled by YOUR willingness to love me as I am!


"Kum ba yah" (Come By Here) - is an African-American spiritual song from the 1930s. It enjoyed newfound popularity during the folk revival of the 1960s and became a standard campfire song in Scouting and other nature-oriented organizations.


The song was originally associated with human and spiritual unity, closeness and compassion, and it still is in many places around the world.




Kum by ya my Lord, kum by ya

(Come By Here My Lord come by here)

Kum by ya my Lord, kum by ya

Kum by ya my Lord, kum by ya

Oh, Lord kum by ya.


Someone's laughing, Lord, kum bay ya;

(Someone’s Laughing Lord, come by here)

Someone's laughing, Lord, kum bay ya;

Someone's laughing, Lord, kum bay ya,

O Lord, kum bay ya.


Someone's crying, Lord, kum bay ya;

(Someone’s crying Lord, come by here)

Someone's crying, Lord, kum bay ya;

Someone's crying, Lord, kum bay ya,
O Lord, kum bay ya.


Someone's praying, Lord, kum bay ya;

(Someone’s praying Lord, come by here)

Someone's praying, Lord, kum bay ya;
Someone's praying, Lord, kum bay ya,

O Lord, kum bay ya.


Someone's singing, Lord, kum bay ya;

(Someone’s singing Lord, come by here)

Someone's singing, Lord, kum bay ya;

Someone's singing, Lord, kum bay ya,

O Lord, kum bay ya.


OH LORD HOW FAR WE HAVE GOTTEN OFF TRACK…

COME BY HERE MY LORD COME BY HERE!

JUST DO IT!

I have had something churning in my heart for a long time… and after recently spending the day with someone (a special thanks to that someone, getting whole looks good on you!) in process…I am ready to just let it out!

I had someone say to me three years ago… Just Do It! I pray I have the courage to be so bold cause…I have a burning passion deep in my heart to see the walking wounded in the body of Christ whole and walking out the call on their lives… I see the ones who bleed because of long unhealed wounds, offense and bitterness… the ones who go from building to building, and person-to-person looking for answers yet never hear the simple truth… We teach these poor ones the sinner’s prayer and we teach them how to “be good “ til they can get to Heaven but we fail to teach them that FATHER GOD has so much more for them…. we teach them how to put a smile on it and how to walk the walk and talk the talk of “Christianize” and have faith… but faith in what? Our Father who is in Heaven has plans we never realize because we never teach them that FATHER GOD has the answer to the hole in their heart and spirit and how to get whole from here! We fail to take authority that we have as sons and daughters of GOD and help them break free or even teach them how to take authority themselves over the weapons the enemy gives them to beat themselves and others around them to death…we truly are theirs and our own worst enemy.

My hearts cry is that we would finally understand that our healing and the healing of our land comes from knowing who we really are and not what we have been led to think we are but instead we hide our own bleeding souls and tell them to do the same with theirs! We say we want to take back this country and we want to recapture all we have lost… yet we can’t even help the ones standing next to us or ourselves most days! We have Christians… not unbelievers but BROTHERS AND SISTERS in Christ walking around broken, bitter, and barely making it and trapped in the bondage of religion never seeing the true freedom that Christ offers… and we wonder why the world wants nothing we offer. Our recapturing what the enemy has stolen from us as a people and country starts with us realizing who we are! Only when we finally walk in our real identity in Christ, help others find theirs and we realize nothing can stand in the way of an army of healed and whole reformers will we recapture what the enemy has stolen from us as a people and nation.

I have a dream that I will one day stop being a slave to the greatest bondage that we as believers walk in…. “what man thinks of me”… that I will finally stand up and say to all those bleeding souls that walk by me… let me tell you how FATHER GOD can heal you… let me tell you the chains He took off my soul… let me pray with you, listen to you, love you unconditionally and help you walk it out til you are healed and free…and not care what others think of me… and when someone says “who does she think she is, do you know that she is, was, came from”… I pray one day soon I can look at them in the eye and say… “I know who I was, who I am now and where I am going and I got Daddy God’s business to attend to today, peace and love to you” and walk on! I don’t need an office I don’t need a license, I don’t need mans approval… I simply need to be willing to listen to Holy Spirit, go where HE leads and speak what HE says for me to speak…I pray that I will one day step up and JUST DO IT … and that the rest of you who have a dream, a desire, a burning passion will day be willing to step out and just do it too!

You Can Be Everything God Wants You To Be

This little gem by Max Lucado says on the cover that it is the perfect gift for the graduate,I agree. This book is also a great gift for anyone at any age that may be struggling to find themselves or simply need a gentle reminder of Whom created them and that they have a purpose. For those who have read, “Cure for The Common Life” some of the selections will look familiar but worthy of a second read. This book is ideal for gift giving anytime of the year or as a bedside pick me up for yourself. Disclosure of Material Connection: I received this book free from the publisher through the BookSneeze.com book review bloggers program. I was not required to write a positive review. The opinions I have expressed are my own. I am disclosing this in accordance with the Federal Trade Commission’s 16 CFR, Part 255

Hermie & Friends Who is in Charge Anyway DVD Review

The message of the story about Freddie the flea is Biblical and a good message for kids to hear. Everyone has a purpose, God does not make mistakes. I was however disappointed with how the story was told. It was done with flashbacks from previous stories from the Hermie Friends series and if you have not seen any of those you spent more time trying to figure out who was who than focusing on the current story. It was visually stimulating and I am sure will hold the attention of the 3 to 5 year old age group. Disclosure of Material Connection: I received this book free from Thomas Nelson Publishers as part of their BookSneeze.com book review bloggers program. I was not required to write a positive review. The opinions I have expressed are my own. I am disclosing this in accordance with the Federal Trade Commission’s 16 CFR, Part 255 : “Guides Concerning the Use of Endorsements and Testimonials in Advertising.”

This Is Your Brain in Love

This is Your Brain in Love by Dr. Earl Henslin


Thinking about getting married?


Already married and the flame has gone out?


Want to have some scientific understanding of what makes your spouse tick?


Just need a little help understanding that mate God sent you?


Then this may be the book for you. I was expecting to be a little over my head with this book, SPECT scans, and brain imaging  are not normally on my reading list.  As a married woman a book on how to have a more passionate and emotionally healthy marriage however sounded like something I needed to read and the book just said try me.


Dr. Henslin did a fine job of making the scientific understandable for most every day folks. While I may not be able to have a SPECT scan to confirm the test that analyze your love style I found them to be very accurate for myself and my spouse. As a Christian I found it refreshing to see the scientific information confirm rather than attack a Biblical view of marriage. I also found the help tips section on how to deal with each type of love style straightforward and within most people’s capabilities.


I would recommend this book to married people, Christian Counselors and Pastors. Over all I was pleasantly surprised by the book and I have already used some of the information to help improve my marriage!


Disclosure of Material Connection: I received this book free from Thomas Nelson Publishers as part of their BookSneeze.com <http://BookSneeze.com> book review bloggers program. I was not required to write a positive review. The opinions I have expressed are my own. I am disclosing this in accordance with the Federal Trade Commission’s 16 CFR, Part 255 <http://www.access.gpo.gov/nara/cfr/waisidx_03/16cfr255_03.html>