The Lie...

I am not sure where this blog will go or the point of it at all, but I had a profound revelation this evening about myself and I need to put it to paper.  18 months ago my husband was diagnosed with incurable lung cancer that was already in stage 4 when it was found... of course as believers we went into overdrive declaring, believing, praying  for healing and doing everything medically we could do to save him... to no avail. He died 5 months and 8 days from the day we heard the word cancer for the first time.

When we first found out my reaction was anger at God, after all we were good Christians who were faithful to our congregation, I was actively involved in several ministries, he was a tender man who would pray for anyone and everyone,  a good Christian husband, brother and son, father and stepfather, we were doing all the right things right.  I was overwhelmed with  guilt... had I failed as his wife to keep him covered in prayer enough, why had I, the woman who could get a thus sayeth for others missed the fact that my own husband had cancer for over a year and I never “heard” a word about it? As we fought the good fight in the beginning of this journey  when I was not wallowing in guilt I was angry at God and then at my husband  as well... why was he going downhill so fast GOD, why are You not healing him... where was his faith, why weren’t my prayers being answered?  WHY GOD WHY was this happening to us. I kept up the appearance for everyone especially my husband of being  strong and handling it all.  I waved the flag of faith over everything I did, I prayed and I spoke all the right words. I gave my husband pep talks that bored on bullying at times about how his healing was his for the asking.  I would not allow anyone  but me to care for him... I kept up with medicines, doctor visits, midnight bathroom runs, cleaning and cooking,  comforting him,  comforting family members, listening to kids and others bemoan this horrible thing, all the while I was dying inside... but never the less I pressed on. I did it  all up until the last hospital visit when the doctors very clearly and bluntly said he only had weeks to live  and then I grudgingly allowed others to help, not because I wanted to but because I could not lift or tend to a 6 foot 200 pound paralyzed man by myself.

When he died I shut everyone out, I put on my good Christian woman face and I walked around like I had the 5 months before,  I jumped back into service at church, I pressed forward, I said all the right things about the glorious future that God had planned for me,  but the truth under that mask was ugly.  I was angry at God, my husband and everyone I came in contact with, I resented God for not healing my husband, I was mad at my husband for not having faith and fighting to live, I resented other their grief and their attempts to comfort me. How could they understand what it felt like to be me.  I had lost not only my husband, but also  my home, my way of life and everything I held dear. The day my house closed I was handed a check for $68.41 and I thought, God is that all 6 years of my life was worth.  But once again I put on the mask and I pressed on.  I opened a door that day to move on with my life and set myself up for another fall... the problem was I still had not dealt with the one thing that was dogging me and the sad thing is until today I had no clue it was there.... I believed with everything with in me that I was the cause and the reason my life as I knew it was over, I believed that I was the reason my husband was dead. I have carried that with me into everything I have touched and done since that horrible  day we heard the word cancer. I have stumbled into and out of  a few people’s lives and I wondered why I always felt inadequate and unwanted around them after a time, I set people up to fail me, because I was walking out a self-fulfilling prophecy that I was a failure and unworthy. I had stepped upon a path of self-destruction and did not even tell myself. 18 mths ago I declared myself a failure and unworthy and I have walked in that lie and let it operate in every area of my life since then. It has caused me great pain,  it has caused people to distance themselves from me, because I was trying to find my worthiness in their approval of me and it has caused me to push people away all the while leaving me wondering why.  I still don’t have the answers to why all this happened, I may never know. I don’t  know why this all finally came to light now but I do know this... I am going to get better, I am going to be whole and I am going to be happy again... I deserve it and I am worthy.