Change of Seasons and Attitudes

 

I started this blog on the morning of 01/14/2026. I stopped midway through as I felt GOD had more to say to me before I finished it…. GOD got jokes and that evening my Campus Pastor preached what I wrote and a whole lot more that took me to a place of introspection that I had been asking GOD to take me….whew I wonder sometimes why I ask for these things! I started not to finish or post this as I worried what others may think.  BUT GOD, has whispered in my ear and spirit over the last 2 days that my time of hiding really is over and I must be brave enough to keep on the path HE has me on! I posted these verses on the corkboard over my desk on 9/29/2025….

I knew then something was different, but it wasn’t until Jan 7^th that I realized the date. What most don’t realize is that 14 years prior on 09/29/2011 I was widowed. At the time I  thought my life had ended as well and walked away from GOD & church for 3 years. So needless to say, I am researching 14 and its biblical significance! SQUIRREL( sorry this a family que we holler when we get off track😂 I am sure they use it on me most!)… I stray from the heart of this blog, so let’s get back on track... 

 01/14/2026 9:00 am

I have for years tried not to engage with the New Year New whatever hype for years.  But at the end of last year, I felt it… starting in Oct/Nov I just felt that 2026 was going to be different.  Despite my current health issues that currently have me at almost a complete stand still and not seeing what is next… it just felt different. Now here we are 14 days into the new year, and I can’t even begin to explain how much in me that has changed. How much change I have seen in those around me. I feel like there is a major shift for me, my house and others around me coming. For me personally, I feel that I am being called to a higher level of righteousness. We often give lip service to righteousness, but in our hearts and minds where no one can see… we allow doubt, resentments and ungodly thoughts run the show. I feel that GOD is asking me to prepare for something I can not yet see… the ultimate ask of a control freak. I have been here enough times in my life to know that IF I just submit to the leading of HS it will turn out for the best. But that part of me that wants to know the who what and when of everything still strives for control.  Do we not all struggle from time to time with these pesky beasts, maybe it is just me. So here I sit, 14 days into a new year that feels SO different than anything I have felt in YEARS! I wake up excited to see what the day will bring, what new revelations GOD will reveal, and I go to sleep each night excited to rest so I can wake up and go again!  For me and the struggles I have had with my health over the last 5 years TRULY this feeling is new and SO refreshing! I am not sure if this pull to a higher level is part of the shift in my thoughts and feelings or the other way around. or just a combination of both. I try not to allow feelings much say in my life and especially now… feelings are what they are, a reaction to something or someone etc. I have found in the past that most of the time they are VERY unreliable. But I have to admit this buzz of excitement is just something different.

 01/16/2026 8:00 am

So here I am after 2 days of introspection specifically in regard to what I wrote Wednesday morning and then what my campus Pastor preached that same evening…. Here are a few things GOD has really highlighted to me.

1.       I am being called to a different level of faith, obedience and righteousness. Not some outward show of it but in my heart and in the secret place with HIM. Not for me but for those that I will encounter down the road.

2.      As Pastor H said, I must understand that “faith moves before understanding catches up.”  I may not understand who, what and when, but I know and trust HIM!

3.      This season of “stillness” and health issues I currently find myself in is NOT punishment. HE is using this time to redeem and refine me. I must be patient in the process (if you know me y’all know I am not as patient as I need to be 😓).

4.      What is coming is WAY beyond my understanding, but HE will use it not for my glory or reward but for HIS glory and to redeem those that are walking the painful paths I have walked and HE has/is redeeming me from.

5.      To quote my Campus Pastor again, “What worked over there, won’t work here.”  I realized in October we were entering a new season and whew, everything I have heard and seen from podcasts, live feeds and from my local leaderships has confirmed it repeatedly in stereo as they used to say way back in the day!

 So here I am waiting to see what comes next….

 ” But blessed is the one who trusts in the Lord, whose confidence is in him. They will be like a tree planted by the water that sends out its roots by the stream. It does not fear when heat comes; its leaves are always green. It has no worries in a year of drought and never fails to bear fruit.” 

Jeremiah 17:7-8 (NIV)

Remembering that I am enough - Beloved Identity

 I am so excited that I feel the call to blog again and yet part of me is struggling with where to start. After over 2 ½ years of not blogging do I have it in me to begin again?  Will it matter to anyone but me? Is this a me thing or a GOD thing? BLAH…. Here I am still struggling with my identity and usefulness… I thought getting older gave us wisdom. Newsflash it just makes us older, that wisdom part as well as that embracing true identity comes from God. So that is where I am going to start, I have struggled for over 5 years with health issues that have caused unrest in my body, my mind and my spirit. The truth is that as 3-fold beings, when one part is out of order or alignment it will cause the others to get out of alignment if we do not actively guard them… I was so worried about the physical that I missed that until recently.  I have spent the last 5 years trying to fake it til I made it to healing, not realizing that my spirit and my mind were under attack as well.

Now back to this blog, as I was going back and reading during some of the most painful parts of my life, I realize that somewhere along the way in the last 5 years I have defaulted to an old thought pattern. WHEW… humbling to say the least as I thought I was way past those feelings. But here I am dealing with questions about my identity, my usefulness and harboring resentments against GOD and others.  My number 1 stumbling block is my EARN mindset, that says I must earn my place in the world, into some’s regard or God’s love. I have battled this my entire life as the enemy set me up from my first memories that to be loved I had to perform.  I am not sure what in the last 5 years triggered that again, but it has kept me in the desert most of these last 5 years.  Suddenly (5 years in the making), over the last month, GOD has been bombarding me almost nonstop with understanding my beloved identity. I am loved simply because HE breathed life into me. No earning it required!!! I am enough just as I am.  My current health problems are most likely tied to something that happened 20 years ago, and I am just now facing the fact that I was trying to kill what HE dearly loved…. Me! Now this is a perfect moment for the enemy to whisper that G O D must be disappointed in me, or this would not be happening. WRONG… I am suffering the consequences of the medication I ingested 20 years ago.  I am only alive today because of HIS divine intervention and I am still loved beyond my understanding. Do I wish I could snap my fingers and this would all be gone… right in this moment, no. WHY you ask, because the person I am in this very moment feels more loved and accepted than she has in all of her 63 years, so if this current situation is part of the process I will embrace it and allow GOD to complete the work in me he set out to do.  I have something to give back to others, not so I can earn GOD’s love, but because of the overwhelming love He has for me it can’t help but spill over on to someone else!  So, if you are reading this and you know me personally, Mama Nora is back let me spill some love on you!

'Even when your path takes me through the valley of deepest darkness, fear will never conquer me, for you already have! Your authority is my strength and my peace. The comfort of your love takes away my fear. I’ll never be lonely, for you are near.'

Psalms 23:4 (TPT)

I AM BACK!

LOOKING FORWARD TO BLOGGING AGAIN!

NEW BLOG POST COMING SOON!

Clutter, Chaos and Hopelessness

Clutter, chaos and hopelessness cause many to come to a standstill… me it causes me to come to a standstill. For the last several months my schedule, unexpected life events, unfulfilled hopes and dreams have collied causing confusion, fear, and lack of focus in my life. I am also starting to realize that the closer I get to my 60th Birthday (237 days) the many unfilled hopes & dreams I have carried in my heart for so long are causing a lot of my spiritual & mental chaos. Most days I just feel so overwhelmed that I simply don’t start… I feel wore out and passed my prime so why not just sit and let things pile up and life passed me by. This morning my cluttered desk started speaking to me … it whispered its desire to be cleaned, reorganized, and made useful again. It sighed and whispered, we started out with the best intentions to be a place of work and study yet now I am simply the catcher of stuff and trolling facebook. My devotionals and Bibles called out to me to remember them and come spend time with God (don’t panic I did not hear any voices, please don’t call a Doctor LOL). Somewhere along the way the dreams I dreamed of coming to pass at this desk were buried. Between unexpected life events, loss of a family member, and just lack of motivation has turned my place of peace and refuge into a place of chaos and disorder. Not sure if this chaos started in my mental, spiritual, or home realm but regardless of where it started, it has slowly cluttered and claimed all three areas. As this entire thought process was working its way from my head to my heart, I realized that I simply had to choose to start again. Perfection wasn’t required just the will to start. So, I started at the desk I am now sitting and writing at. I threw out way more than I thought I would and found things I forgot I had. I came across an item that I have had for over 20 years that has sat with me at many desks. Then I felt God whisper clearly to my spirit to let it go … just let go. So, I literally walked to my trash can and threw the item away. Now 2 hours later as I started writing this post/novella, I felt the need to go retrieve it. As I am looking at it as it sits once more on my desk, I understand it was not a little silly stuffed frog He was trying to get me to let go of. He was trying to get me to understand that I needed to let go of my expectations about how life should be, my fear of growing older and my timing for when He should have fulfilled those hopes and dreams. They aren’t deferred it is just about timing and He hasn’t forgotten them or me. I am not Him and I can’t control EVERYTHING…. life will get messy and chaos will happen from time to time. BUT if I will remember to lean on Him in these moments, He will make order and sense out of the chaos. Like me this tattered little frog has gotten a littler rougher around the edges due to its age, but it still serves a propose, just like I do. I just need to keep my eyes firmly focused on Him instead of the chaos and fear. I must keep expectation in my heart, my mind and in my home for what is coming!!!!

#thebestisyettocome

JUST DO IT (REPOST FROM 2010)

 I have had something churning in my heart for a long time… and after recently spending the day with someone (a special thanks to that someone, getting whole looks good on you!) in process…I am ready to just let it out!

I had someone say to me three years ago… Just Do It! I pray I have the courage to be so bold because…I have a burning passion deep in my heart to see the walking wounded in the body of Christ whole and walking out the call on their lives… I see the ones who bleed because of long unhealed wounds, offense and bitterness… the ones who go from building to building, and person-to-person looking for answers yet never hear the simple truth. We teach these poor ones the sinner’s prayer and we teach them how to “be good “ til they can get to Heaven but we fail to teach them that FATHER GOD has so much more for them…. we teach them how to put a smile on it and how to walk the walk and talk the talk of “Christianize” and have faith… but faith in what? Our Father who is in Heaven has plans we never realize because we never teach them that FATHER GOD has the answer to the hole in their heart and spirit and how to get whole from here! We fail to take authority that we have as sons and daughters of GOD and help them break free or even teach them how to take authority themselves over the weapons the enemy gives them to beat themselves and others around them to death…we truly are theirs and our own worst enemy.

My hearts cry is that we would finally understand that our healing and the healing of our land comes from knowing who we really are;  not what we have been led to think we are. Instead we hide our own bleeding souls and tell them to do the same with theirs! We say we want to take back this country and we want to recapture all we have lost… yet we can’t even help the ones standing next to us or ourselves most days! We have Christians… not unbelievers but BROTHERS AND SISTERS in Christ walking around broken, bitter, and barely making it and trapped in the bondage of religion never seeing the true freedom that Christ offers… and we wonder why the world wants nothing we offer. Our recapturing what the enemy has stolen from us as a people and country starts with us realizing who we are! Only when we finally walk in our real identity in Christ, help others find theirs and we realize nothing can stand in the way of an army of healed and whole reformers will we recapture what the enemy has stolen from us as a people and nation.

I have a dream that I will one day stop being a slave to the greatest bondage that we as believers walk in…. “what man thinks of me”… that I will finally stand up and say to all those bleeding souls that walk by me… let me tell you how FATHER GOD can heal you… let me tell you the chains He took off my soul… let me pray with you, listen to you, love you unconditionally and help you walk it out til you are healed and free…and not care what others think of me… and when someone says “who does she think she is, do you know that she is, was, came from”… I pray one day soon I can look at them in the eye and say… “I know who I was, who I am now and where I am going and I got Daddy God’s business to attend to today, peace and love to you” and walk on! I don’t need an office I don’t need a license, I don’t need mans approval… I simply need to be willing to listen to Holy Spirit, go where HE leads and speak what HE says for me to speak…I pray that I will one day step up and JUST DO IT … and that the rest of you who have a dream, a desire, a burning passion will be willing to step out and just do it too!

When something you wrote 11 years ago  (Nov 2010) reawakens something in you that you had no idea was asleep....  today I realized I have allowed past traumas, the world and others opinion of me kill the GODLY fire that once burned in my heart... it is time to start being the REAL me again!! 

Then, Now and Forever…

There are certain dates in life that will have us looking back to who we were, what we were going through at a given moment or time and reminding us of memories of a time gone by; September 29^th is one of dates for me. Today, September 29, 2021, is the 10^th anniversary of when I was widowed at the age of 48 years and at the time, I truly believed my entire life had come to end when his life on earth ended. I was an angry bitter grieving mess and totally undone. Then in a years’ time (September 2011-2012) I lost a husband, my home and most of my physical possessions and the anger and grief seemed to grow.  But I realized that what I lost 10 years ago that almost did me in was my hope in God, myself and for my future. My life as I thought it was going to be came crashing down around me and I lost myself to the pain, my anger at God, myself and those who abandoned me when I needed them the most.  It was a hard lesson to learn that what “I thought” was the plan for my life, was not the plan HE had for me.  

 Looking back, I realize I learned life changing lessons about people, myself and especially GOD during that time. Those lessons have made me the person I am today. Not to brag (okay maybe just a little) but I love who I am today, and I hear from my children and others I am the best me I have ever been. I can now acknowledge without angst and gnashing of teeth at G O D, the person I am today is a result of living through the tough times as well as the good times in my life. I truly understand in ways not possible 10 years ago the promise in Romans 8:28, “And we know that ALL things work together for good to those who love God, to those who are the called according to His purpose.” As believers we often don’t want to take off our rose colored glasses and see what that ALL really does means… the good, the bad and the ugly we may experience during our time here on earth. Truth is I love GOD with all of me and HE loves me… but life is still tough at times, and I no longer ascribe to the fairy tale version of Christianity I used to. We live in a fallen world which means there will be things that we don’t want to experience but will. There will be people who leave us, hurt us, and even revile us. There will be pain, and possibly sickness in those we love or ourselves at time as well.  Life will happen as it will continue to as long as we walk upon this earth and there will be days where we will feel as if that ALL in our life looks like a disaster and there is no hope. Does that mean we can’t live victorious lives… NO!!! But victorious some days may look like we barely got by, and we must learn that ALL means ALL and some of that ALL will hurt. Life is not always sunshine and popsicles but when we embrace that ALL we will learn to lean on the only ONE who loves us just as we are. Then we can and will become the person we can love as well and who HE always intended us to be. I mentioned earlier about lessons I have learned in the last 10 year and wanted to share my top 8. There were MANY more lessons I have learned over these years, but some were just for me and me alone to evaluate.

 1)      Even when all hell is breaking loose in your life, and you can’t feel HIM… GOD will never leave you. Stop living life based on just your feelings… they lie at times.

2)      Stop allowing your self-worth and reason for being get tied up with people. People will leave you through death or other ways.  Tomorrow is not promised.

3)      Don’t let what the “theys” may or not think of you crush your spirit.  You were created by and are loved by GOD let that be your guide on how you think of you!

4)      Just because the promises of God did not happen in your life the way you “thought” HE should have fulfilled them does not mean they are not going to happen. First check yourself and discern what were true promises from G O D, what was wishful thinking on your part, or was a “word” spoken out of someone’s flesh to you. Then start seeking HIS face for the when and how HE wants to fulfill those promises… I promise HE really does want to see you walk in all HE has for you!!!

5)      Repeat after me, we live in a fallen world and bad things WILL happen, but GOD will use it and redeem all... “You intended to harm me, but God intended it for good to accomplish what is now being done…” (Gen 50:20)

6)      Walk everyday thankful for the people and the things you have TODAY… tomorrow is not promised, things can still happen to the people we love and the things we think we can’t live without…

7)      When you have lost it all, know that is a beginning not an ending... GOD will show out every time if we will only look around for whatever the “it” is you need in your life!

8)      At the end of the day... it is not always about us; sometimes we are just a part of someone else’s story and if we are willing to see how we can use our pain to help someone through theirs... then we all win!

My today is so so so much more than I could have seen 10 years ago… GOD redeemed and restored all I lost back then. I am the very loved and pampered wife of a Godly man; I have a wonderful home and more than enough of all those things I lost. I have grown in ways I didn’t even know back then that I needed to grow to become the woman GOD wants me to be. Now HE is using this “new” woman more and more in the greater plan HE has for my family, those around me and our area. Each day is a new opportunity for me to walk in all HE has for me and that excites me more than I ever thought it could. This date on the calendar once brought me great pain and sad memories… now it is a timely reminder for me to get up and walk out in all I have been blessed with over the last 10 years and to try and help others to see how good GOD really is.

To GOD be the Glory for all my ALL's

Stop Addressing Your Identity with the devil

     This blog post will be a long read but may it be worth your time. It is about how G O D finally got my attention recently and showed me the timeline of how the enemy caught me in a weakened condition and almost took me out with his IFs!!!

    A little background: In June of 2019 I started a journal to record what I and another person from our congregation was hearing from GOD. Over the next few months, I heard a few things that I really believe were from GOD. During this time, I also left my full time job, with my husband’s blessings (after we had just bought a house a few months prior) to begin working part time at our main church campus. I was excited that I could start to focus more on prayer and the directions I felt GOD was leading me. BUT right before the end of the year, it was obvious that I was losing focus, I was just TIRED! I had a lot of pain in my body, and I had true brain fog more days than I wanted to admit to. By the time 2020 started I was barely making it thru on the days I had to leave the house and work. Did I pray about it, well yes!  But what I did more than pray was to begin to question whether I had even heard God correctly when I shifted my entire direction in June of 2019, the same month I bought the journal, gave my notice to my full time employer, and accepted a part time job at our main campus. I began to question in my heart but tried to defend with my mouth why I wasn’t progressing as I felt I should, why I didn’t feel good most days and why I was just miserable in a way I could not explain. By Feb of 2020 I was done, I stopped journaling in the above mentioned journal, I had decided I was not working where I was supposed to be working and I was just ready to sit for a minute and rethink life. My last day of work was March 12, 2020. Funny thing was the next week the entire country shutdown, so I really felt justified in my heart that I made the right choice to sit down and get still, because with all that was going on around me, I must have heard right this time (please accept when I tell you I was truly rolling my eyes at myself as I typed that last sentence).  Funny how we just like Adam (remember his statement... it was that woman) will try to justify anything once we have allowed the IFs of the enemy into our life.

     The title of this blog to some believers may seem to be a silly statement until you realize that we as believers do it all the time. In Matthew 4:3 the devil comes at Jesus with these words, “Now when the tempter came to Him, he said, “If You are the Son of God, command that these stones become bread.” Jesus was at 40 days in the desert and probably HUNGRY! Notice how the devil phrases it, IF YOU ARE, y’all the enemy knew who Jesus was!!!  He was just trying to drop doubt into Christ’s mind about His identity.  Notice he was using the same ole trick that he tripped Eve up with… doubt. As believers we often allow the enemy to do the same to us. Don’t believe me? Why do we explain who we are to the enemy, often screaming I am a child of God when he comes at us? He already knows who we are, that is why he comes at us. We address our identify with people around us and even to ourselves as well.  We question, let me speak for just me… I have questioned OFTEN who I am and why in the world GOD would want me to represent HIM on this earth.  I have often IF’d about if Christ really meant that I had the same power within me to do here on earth what HE did? Come on now is that really possible??? Seriously???  But make no mistake about it y’all, HE wants us to do exactly that, it is clearly written in His word over and over again.  We as the church body for the most part have missed it when it comes to our complete identity.  Y’all signs and wonders are not only for the Preachers, Pastors, Revivalist, or even the latest & greatest Healer on tour to operate in.  The same Holy Spirit that is in them is in us!!!  Yet we (me) have spent most of our time addressing our identity with the enemy and his little minions! They have totally enjoyed keeping us locked up (operating) in fear, doubt, and unbelief and not in what God has given us.

    During most of 2020 I just sat…. I was a mindless blob, who could not think very clearly, didn’t feel good physically and it got worse and worse as the year went on. I had 1,000 excuses for why I sat down, not feeling good in general and of course that thing called Covid-19. By December 2020, I finally had a name for one of those excuses and why I was in the state I was in. The mysterious aliment that had been keeping me in a cycle of weariness, pain and confusion for several years finally revealed itself completely… Atrial Fibrillation. According to a few doctors, and nurses in my family, why I didn’t have a massive stroke or simply have my heart stop or explode in my chest is a miracle (I tell everyone now that I am THE favorite child of a GOOD GOOD DADDY). I thank GOD for the day my heart appeared to have stopped and my husband called 911. I feel strongly it was GOD allowing the physical me to get a restart so HE could get my mental and spiritual man restarted as well! I spent about 6 more months walking in fear and what IFs.  Then after a heart procedure as my physical healing progressed and my doctor uttered these simple words, “GO LIVE YOUR LIFE and quit worrying” I finally realized that I may have (did) let the enemy in my head way past what I wanted to admit to, and the truth was I made all those excuses to hide that fact from myself. I started to question my questioning. I started looking at why I felt so dry spiritually. I started to address my identity with GOD and what HE really wanted from me. I kept banging on the door of Heaven for an answer AND a few days ago I finally got a public answer to my question. 

    Now here we are… once I started asking the right questions to the right SOURCE, and I got public in the right setting about what I understood the answer to be… Holy Spirit has been a chattering away ever since!!!! Seriously though, God is probably relieved HE finally has my attention. HE has me laser focused on a few things, one of those things is a book that I bought in 2020 that has laid on my desk for over a year. I had started flipping through it a few months ago when our senior Pastor started meddling, uhm I mean teaching on a subject that is near and dear to my heart. When I got home after the service I got public and answered in (nothing speaks louder than being the first front and center at an alter call and you not realizing it til you are already up there… 😂) I decided that until I really read this book nothing else was going to distract me.  And that is when I came across this: "Jesus didn't even address the identity part of this question. Jesus knew who He was. He brought the situation right into a heavenly perspective."[1]  Y’all IT shook me to my core!!! Holy Spirit started whispering in my ear, “you were already sick in 2019 but didn’t know it.  You had heard GOD right and stepped out in faith in the right direction AND that put a target on you, but G O D knew what was coming the time was not wasted. He used it to expose and repair things you didn’t realize were killing you physically, mentally, and spiritually. The time is now being redeemed, GET BACK UP OLE GIRL!!!”  Let’s return to Matthew 4:3, The tempter came to him and said, “If you are the Son of God, tell these stones to become bread.” There is that IF but look how Christ answers him in Matthew 4:4, Jesus answered, “It is written: ‘Man shall not live on bread alone, but on every word that comes from the mouth of God.” Jesus did not even address, acknowledge or give the enemy a door to slither into about His identity. 

    So here I am today…  done with addressing my identity with the enemy, done explaining who I am and what I know God has called me to walk in and worrying what others think.  My question to you is, have you been addressing your identity with the RIGHT or the wrong entities?  For me I know I did for a long time, it didn’t change my salvation status, nor did it ever change what G O D had already placed in me, but it did keep me from operating in all I have inside of me. What Christ had on earth we have!!!  What the Pastors, the Evangelist, the Prophets, and Healers have we already have inside of us as believers as well. We simply must learn to no longer address our identity with the enemy… AND start addressing the issues that are in front of us from a heavenly perspective just as Christ did in the desert.

    I pray you know who you really are and walk in all the peace and power that is yours by right as a child of the Most High God! Now let me go address some things as GOD would have me to! 

Selah

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[1] Beni Johnson, The Happy Intercessor, p96

Bridges... Revival... Going Home

WHEW... after a post I made earlier I kept hearing that I needed to go back to the first post of 2011 in this blog... a year that was a hard awful road of me being widowed and losing everything including myself for a few years afterwards. Today re-reading it NINE YEARS LATER was a FULL CIRCLE  moment with G O D for this daughter.  HIS REASONS...HIS TIMING... THE LESSONS... THE COMPASSION & LOVE OF THE FATHER FOR ME!!!

HEAR ME... IF YOU DON'T READ ANYTHING BUT THIS.... I don't share this to show  how "spiritual" I am. I share this because when you get to know my story... you also get to see how FAR HE will go and HOW much HE will forgive to bring one of HIS back into the fold. To WHOMEVER is suppose to see this: Baby there is nothing you've done or will do that disqualifies you from HIS love and forgiveness!! Come on home... your FATHER  never gave up on you!


Twenty Til’ Midnight AKA Nora's Spiritual Closet: I have a picture of a beautiful bridge that is cal...: I have a picture of a beautiful bridge that is called Crossing Over it is a painting by James Nesbit. I bought the picture about two years ...

LOSS, RESTORATION AND OLD STORM DOORS

A few things over the last 2 weeks have brought me to the understanding of how quickly we forget how fortunate and blessed we are… okay let me speak for me, How BLESSED I am! A picture of my front door last week that I almost didn’t post was my wake up call for me to take a step back and reflect on how far I have come in the last 8 years and how much I truly have to be grateful for in my life. 

Eight years ago this month, I was in the middle of packing up and leaving my home of 6 ½ years. I was a widow of just over 6 mths in possible foreclosure in the middle of settling an estate that consisted of a house I could not pay for, a beat up eight-year-old car and personal belongings. No life insurance and no assurance I would even eat tomorrow if it were not for my daughter and church family taking care of me. I was an emotional and spiritual wreck and why someone had not at that point checked me in to an institution is a miracle. Now that all being said I was great at pretending on the outside most days and especially on Sunday, so I guess I did just enough to stay free! When the estate closed and the house sold, I was handed a check for $68 and thankfully still had the title to that 8 ½ year old car that looked rough but still ran, clothes that no longer fit and some furniture and nothing else. My heart and spirit were shattered, and I was mad Mad MAD at GOD and most people. I walked away from GOD, my church family gave up on life getting better and looked for the quickest path to self-destruction. In the mist of my rebellion as I willfully sought to return to my old life prior to my relationship with G O D, I thought I found the perfect way to do so in a relationship with a gentleman I had recently met. Funny thing happened though… said gentleman was also on his own rebellion walk and we had a lot of talks about that God we were running away from and how we felt let down by HIM and life. Then somewhere along the way we realized that G O D was probably above nudging Peter giggling a little at us saying, “see Pete I told you so, they are perfect for each other.” Us meeting in the mist of our pain and anger at GOD was part of the plan, HIS plan… even in our rebellion we may have given up but HE never ever gave up on us! When we really understood that, we repented took the steps to bring our lives in to alignment with God’s word and then sought HIM for what HE wanted next from us… 

Fast forward to this picture and the title of this blog… As part of a facebook group I took this picture of my Red Framed Door to post. My first thought was OH look at that old storm door, I am so ashamed of that old door and my ribbon is so plain as I am not creative, so I am not going to post it!! REALLY!!! Here I am in my own home again after almost being homeless 8 years ago. With the man I love and who loves me who I know that I know GOD has blessed me with despite my rebellion. Not only that but HE has restored me in many ways in my walk with HIM and in my life. I am in the process of starting my own business and honestly I have more now than I did 8 years ago… and all I can do is worry what someone is going to say about a old storm door on my fixer up house that we haven’t replaced yet!!! We have plans to redo the front of the house and I believe with all my heart GOD will provide the means to do that. BUT in that moment where did that shame come from and what was wrong with me that I allowed it to take hold of me??? I believe sometimes we too often forget to stop and reflect from time to time on where we were and what HE brought us through. In my case not once but multiple times in my life. I should have not made it out of childhood, yet here I am 57 years old. As a teenager and young adult, I put myself in harms way and others did their best to destroy me and despite my best efforts to end my own life on more than a few occasions… here I am. When my world fell apart in 2011 instead of turning to GOD who had already proven faithful… I turned away. But once again HE proved faithful, sheltered me, provided for, and kept me safe until HE could bring me back to my senses. That moment of shame only lasted for a moment and this picture is posted in that group… with a little story about it. But I needed to have a talking to myself and G O D about it and I am glad I learned something from it. Now if my moment of being real and raw helps someone not make the mistakes I made in the past or keeps someone for feeling shame today, then I will post the picture of that old storm door everywhere…. Because what it really represents is RESTORATION!

"The Lord blessed the latter part of Job’s life more than the former part." Job 42:12a

Get Your Boots On Time to Crossover!!

Then Joshua said to the sons of Israel, “Come here, and hear the words of the Lord your God.” 10 Joshua said, “By this you shall know that the living God is among you, and that He will assuredly dispossess from before you the Canaanite, the Hittite, the Hivite, the Perizzite, the Girgashite, the Amorite, and the Jebusite. 11 Behold, the ark of the covenant of the Lord of all the earth is crossing over ahead of you into the Jordan. 12 Now then, take for yourselves twelve men from the tribes of Israel, one man for each tribe. 13 It shall come about when the soles of the feet of the priests who carry the ark of the Lord, the Lord of all the earth, rest in the waters of the Jordan, the waters of the Jordan will be cut off, and the waters which are flowing down from above will stand in one heap.” 14 So when the people set out from their tents to cross the Jordan with the priests carrying the ark of the covenant before the people, 15 and when those who carried the ark came into the Jordan, and the feet of the priests carrying the ark were dipped in the edge of the water (for the Jordan overflows all its banks all the days of harvest), 16 the waters which were flowing down from above stood and rose up in one heap, a great distance away at Adam, the city that is beside Zarethan; and those which were flowing down toward the sea of the Arabah, the Salt Sea, were completely cut off. So the people crossed opposite Jericho. 17 And the priests who carried the ark of the covenant of the Lord stood firm on dry ground in the middle of the Jordan while all Israel crossed on dry ground, until all the nation had finished crossing the Jordan.  Joshua 3:9-17

But you are a chosen race, a royal priesthood, a holy nation, a people for God’s own possession, so that you may proclaim the excellencies of Him who has called you out of darkness into His marvelous light;  1 Peter 2:9

First and foremost there is a promise to us from GOD that HE would deal with all the “ites” for us… and that includes “Covid-19 ite” we just need to walk in that promise and stop this panic of unbelief!!! We as Believers should be on the front line… in the parking lots of hospitals praying with family who can’t enter the building to be with their loved ones. Making sure ALL elderly and others in our community who we are aware of have the basic necessities; checking on those whom we know suffer from depression or anxiety and may need that extra 10 minutes of our time and wherever else we may be needed. We are the Priest of our time and we need to start acting like it! They were first into the flooded river… they held their ground the middle of that river (the GAP) until the ENTIRE nation… the ENTIRE nation of Israel crossed over! Do you really understand how many people that had have been? They had been wandering around in the desert for 40 years… how many do you think they added to the numbers? AND THEN and only once everyone else was on the other side did they, still carrying Ark of the Covenant come up behind them into the Promise Land. And as always, the people were covered all round by the presence of GOD. We now carry that PRESENCE in us as believers so whenever we STEP into a situation, we bring HIM with us… think on that for a minute.  We the so-called believers/intercessors of this generation need to be praying and praying without ceasing until we are on the other side of this.  We also need to shut up any prayers that start with judgement.... God did not have Joshua appoint morality police who screened who would get across the Jordan and who would not… GOD dealt with the last generation of Israelites harshly but this generation was allowed AS A WHOLE to come into the promise land… warts and all!!! We need to shut our mouths, set our agendas aside and simply get on our knees and seek God’s face until this thing is gone. We also need to show love and be known by the TRUE fruit the REAL SPIRIT of GOD will produce. WE… THE CHURCH needs to strap on our work boots and get about the business of our FATHER!!

Do You Burn?

I love being the person who tends the fire whether it for cleaning up the yard, sitting at a campsite or even at a firepit. I am not sure if it is a control thing or if I just find such clarity in looking into the flames. Fire can be beautiful or horrifying to watch depending on what side of the flame you are on. Fire can purify or destroy. Fire can bring warmth to a cold body or destruction and pain if you get to close to it. Metaphorically speaking people and wood are a lot alike. Some wood catches and burns red hot for a minute and then flutters away as ash in the wind. Some wood gets warm and even shows some signs of being in a fire but doesn’t actually catch because it is too hard at its core or to soaked in other things to burn. But then some wood was meant for burning… it will catch with proper tending… it will burn and maintain a nice HOT steady temperature and then turn into the perfect fuel that can be used to start other wood burning. In this picture there were all 3 types of wood. I pulled a piece of that “wouldn’t” burn wood out to show that while it had been in the fire the same about of time as all the rest it appears almost completely untouched because it was too hard to burn. The red hot quick catch wood turned to ash and flew away in a matter of minutes on the wind. What you don’t actually “see” however is a section of wood that I used to get the back side of my fire to finally catch… it was a 12-16-inch piece of wood that had turned into the perfect starter piece that I gently moved to the back area that had not caught yet and placed it there with a few pieces of the red hot quick wood… and BAM a roaring fire took hold. DID you catch that…. Even that flighty red hot burn and gone wood had its place in my fire pile. Fire is a very important creature, but it must be nurtured, maintained and understood. And then after you have set the boundaries of the fire pit there is a time of standing back and letting it have its way as it completes its task. My question to you today is do you have a fire of any kind burning in you? If so what kind of fire is it? Is it a useful or dangerous fire? As for me… let me be real clear…. If the fire in me is not from GOD… I don’t need it and I DON’T WANT IT. I must be vigilant in monitoring what goes in my fire pile and vigilant in allowing Holy Spirit to tend it. I must be vigilant in who I allow in my life as well as what I allow in my mind and spirit. So once again I ask you, what fire is burning in you and who is tending it?

Welcome to My Closet God

Psalms 37:5

Give God the right to direct your life,
and as you trust him along the way
you’ll find he pulled it off perfectly!

TPT

Commit your way to the Lord;
trust in Him, and He will act, 

HCSB

Commit your way to the Lord,
Trust also in Him, and He will do it.

NASB

Open up before God, keep nothing back;
    he’ll do whatever needs to be done:

The Message Bible

As I get ready to close one season in my life and step into the next, I read a verse this morning in my devotion and was like yes Lord have Your way with me and do what needs to be done. Then that still small VOICE said, “Really? Are you ready for another round of Me cleaning out your closet again my girl? IF so, then why in the past has it been so hard for you to release things that needed letting go of, ways that needed changing, and on and on… you get the message.”  And of course, that other part of me was hollering loudly… “NO NO NO, keep His meddling ways out of my stuff I like my raggedy stuff tucked in the back.” Yes, y’all these conversations really do go on between me (flesh), G O D and my spirit. LOL

 When we commit, open up completely, give God the right to all of our stuff it sounds so good on paper and it sounds so good at the alter or in a group when we say we are ready… but the reality is that it is MESSY and it HURTS! Did I mention it is MESSY and it HURTS? I speak for myself here but every time I have truly opened up and held nothing back, not that HE didn’t already know I mean like HE is God y’all! But when I really submitted and let Him do what needed to be done, it was not always a pleasant experience. Now was the peace in my spirit real when I reached that point, YES. Was my flesh and my mind in total rebellion at the idea of giving up the right to be right and in charge of whatever area God was focusing on, OH MY GOODNESS YES!  But looking back I can truly say that each and every time and with each and every thing that I have fully submitted, committed, trusted to Him… He did what needed to be done and it was ALWAYS perfectly handled.

I will say this again, I am only speaking for myself here, but I think we need to quit giving the illusion that the daily Christian walk is always Sunshine and Rainbows. There is work involved. But on the other hand, I also hate when I see “Christians” give the impression they must work their way into Heaven and make our walk with Christ seem like a hardship and more like slavery. 

Let me share what I understand the message to be, He, Christ died for us. We who truly confess and believe are forgiven. There is baptism and there are gifts we are entitled to as well. We will have tribulations, but we will also have great joy in getting to know our Savior.  We will all walk through a process of letting go of the old, for some it will happen sooner for some it will take a little longer. We are all different and HE made us that way and our brothers and sisters in Christ should and will come along side of us to help as we walk it out together.  We all have a purpose and there is a plan for EACH and EVERY person on the face of this earth… never let anyone or the enemy tell you any different. YOU MATTER TO GOD AND FOR THE RECORD YOU MATTER TO ME!!! 

So what started out as a haha at myself for allowing G O D in my closet again has turned into this. BUT if letting HIM dig out stuff from my closet publicly helps anyone be willing to let HIM in theirs and gives them peace… welcome to my closet!

GET BACK UP

I just spent last night and all day soaking in the wonderful words of women of God as part of #ifgathering2019 I attended a local gathering last night and today alone online.

A verse that was shared at the close of this sealed what God has been trying put on my heart over and over the last 2 years… that He still has a plan for me, I have a calling and He intends for me to help others. My fear and feelings of not being good enough have strangled me…. BUT NO MORE.  For those that may read this that don’t know me well I need to give you a little background… I failed in 2012 in my hurt and pain of widowhood, I turned my back on God and yet He continued to pursue me at every turn… in 2015 He called me back to His side and I finally submitted my heart, mind and soul to Him.   Since then He has allowed me to step back into things that are my calling and destiny, that I thought I would never be qualified to do again because of my failure. He has once again provided favor over me in that people trust me in a very supernatural way.  I have sat in wonder and fear of this return of favor.  Wonder that He trust me and fear that man will learn of my failure in 2012 and turn away from me. Now back to the last 24 hours of listening to the speakers at If Gathering.  I was having a brief conversation about this very subject with some ladies I met last night when the question was asked of us what we wanted to leave behind at this event and my answer was the feeling of not being good enough.   I was honest and honestly the initial reaction was that look, you know the look, “OH MY GOODNESS, well bless your heart” (if you are not from the south that is not meant as a compliment nor is the look that implies it.). I immediately felt me fear of not being good of enough validated.  I almost lost my nerve and wanted to get up and run out, but God just whispered in my ear to hold my place. As the evening went on and we shared more, their perception of me changed. I believe that someone in that little group needed to hear my story.  My fear has stopped me from reaching out, praying for and simply opening up to people outside of my trusted circle. I serve regularly at the church I attend and will do whatever is needed.  I believe up until now I was trying to work my way back into God’s good graces… but after today I realize what I do from here on out will be for the simple pleasure of serving the Lord of Lords whose grace allowed me to get back up!

 About that verse I heard…

“Though a righteous man falls seven times,
he will get up,
but the wicked will stumble into ruin.” Proverbs 24:16

A righteous man/woman will get back up… the wicked will not. I am a daughter of the King of Kings, so watch me as I get back up, dust off my Crown and get about my Father’s business!  And darling if you have fallen know He loves you the same nothing has or will change that and … GET BACK UP!!!!!!

What a real superhero looks like!

I will be attending a very unconventional convention with my direct sales company I am a part of on July 23rd- 25th.  There will be an awards night where we are suppose to dress up as a superhero that most reflects us!   I have struggled for months over how to achieve this as I am so not a superhero kind of girl!  I finally said tongue in cheek one day I was coming as myself because I am my own superhero.  Funny thing is the more I thought about  it the more I realized that in doing so I would not only be celebrating myself but many other women like me who have overcome major obstacles and challenges.  I like so many others out there have dealt with things that most people allow to destroy or keep them crippled for the rest of their lives. Yet in spite of it all here I am at 52, happy, pushing forward and still setting goals for myself. 

I am not bragging here, I know God pulled me through, but here is what I am celebrating:  I made the choice to accept the God given help we are all offered.  I chose to get better not bitter. When life kicked me to the curb, I chose to get back up and ask (numerous times), “What now God, where to and how?”  If you have ever been through something horrible... you better believe it takes superhero powers to do that!

Many women have suffered all or some of what I have come through, abusive childhood, abusive relationships, financial hardship, divorce, the death of a spouse, mental illness, raising children on their own, and on and on. We so often fail to realize the strength and the courage it takes to keep getting up, to keep praying and believing in something better than what we are in at that moment. The ability to accept help in spite of our womanly pride, the ability to even dare to dream of a better future when reality is smothering us with hopelessness, where does that come from? Somewhere deep within each woman who has come past, healed and grew, is this inner person who is not willing to give up!!!!  That folks is what a real superhero looks like! 

So after much internal debate and 2 dresses... I have found a way to express my inner diva and that inner superhero called Nora!!!  So to all the other superhero women out there... celebrate who you are, believe in yourself and don’t let anyone pull on your cape!  You got this girl... go be the superhero God created you to be!!!! 

Dreams; Mine, God’s or Both?

Okay so I haven’t blogged in almost a year! WHEW... I have been up and I have been down, I have been in want and I have been in overflow, funny how life works that way.  However one of the biggest lessons I have learned in the last year is this: Regardless of my circumstance, my attitude while I am parked in the hallways of life is the key!  I am a woman who believes in God, I am a woman who believes there has always and will always be a plan for my life and a reason why I am on this earth.  The problem is that I often forget that my choices affect that plan and my attitude can catch me up with God or slow me down! 

The last year has been a year of discovering that my dreams and God’s dreams don’t always look the same.  I had this dream to one day be a Counselor and in 2013 I decided the time had come for me to finish my degree.  I chose an online program through a Christian College... lots of money and time went into this “dream”.  Sadly in the summer of 2014 I realized I was not advancing... in fact I had failed several classes at that point, not because I am not teachable but because I was chasing a title that my heart was so not in to.  I was so disappointed in myself which led to me being disappointed in life in general.  I wanted many things to change in 2014 and it just seemed like a disappointing repeat of many previous years of my life.  As hard as it was to do the moment that I accepted I was not going to finish my degree, nor in all honestly did I want to, was the moment when God was finally able to move me from my dreams to His!  Now this was a major hurdle for me as in the past I have always embraced the despair of failed dreams, I kept despair hugged up close to me like it was my dearest friend. Goodness the years I wasted hugging up to something so vile.  Hope had been fighting for years to embrace and lift me up, why had I fought it for so long?  The relief I felt when I finally let go of what I wanted and the despair of lost dreams was tangible. There was a sweetness that I could almost taste, I could breathe again; disappointment in myself and life in general was replaced with hope for what could be instead of despair of what wasn't going to be.

I had no clue what was to come (and for me the unknown is so not a comfortable place... HATE IT) but the peace & hope that was in my heart was so real I simply embraced it and waited.  Then a funny thing happened one day.... a dear friend sent me some samples of products from her latest direct sales business. We had tried in the past with another company and honestly I so was not good at it so it was something I was never considering again.  But G O D... after playing with the samples which I truly loved and then looking at the business, I thought hey at least I will get paid to use them myself so I jumped on board.  I never considered it as a real business for the first few weeks, then something happened; I developed a passion for the products and the company, but this little voice said (you know the one, we all have that little discourager in our head at times), “You already failed at this type of business in the past and this is a business not a “God” plan so it can’t be important.”  Funny how we get in our head or we are taught that G O D plans can only be about ministry, or some lofty thing when in fact if we will look closely we find G O D in everything not just “godly” appearing careers or businesses, so this time I listened to the peace in my heart and not that nagging ugly voice.  Fast forward 9 ½ months: I am building a real business with people I have grown to love and care for with a company I am proud to say I am a part of because of how they do business and the products they offer.  The best part of this little business of mine for me is I get to encourage, support and help people. I am sometimes the ear for those who are frustrated with life, don’t remember to believe in themselves or have let others tell them they couldn't.  I get to be the person who says... “OH yes you can, stop listening to the voices of those who want you to fail.”  I have met many new people who see that not only do I run my business honestly and honorably, I also try to run my daily life the same way.  Hmmm, isn't that what I wanted when I was chasing that degree... I just wanted to help people.  LOL, God has such a sense of humor, cause guess what my little business allows me to do that on a daily bases. 

In the middle of this season of self-discovery, I have become more me than I have ever been. I have become comfortable in my own skin and I am able to allow those I love the most to be themselves as well.  Life is becoming, well peaceful and enjoyable.  And in the mist of my own learning and  learning to let others be themselves another wonderful thing happened, my darling and I finally took a step that I also believe is part of this “God” plan for my life... 2 became one.  Now marriage does change the dynamics of any relationship, never fool yourself in believing otherwise people often come with pasts that tell them that this is how it works or with unrealistic expectations of how it is supposed to be, but in truth each marriage and the people involved are different.  So here I am again with this feeling of discomfort of not knowing what the plan is... I know the marriage is part of the God plan for our lives, but how it was going to work is still somewhat of a mystery at this point.  But there are lessons to learn and with peace and acceptance in knowing this and simply embracing the hope of what is to come it can and will be joyous as it is meant to be.  Here are a few things I do know at this point in this God dream/plan I call my life: I am more myself in this marriage than I have ever been. I can and will encourage my husband to seek out his God dream/plan for his life.  I will accept & love him for who is and who he is going to be and I will stand beside him through the thick and thin.  My greatest joy is helping him along the way to being who he is meant to be! The bonus is I have someone who encourages me; I have someone who pushes me to chase my dreams and not just dream them. I have someone who stands by me even on the days I feel the world is trying to run me over.  

Wait I started this story with how my dream and God’s dream for me didn't look the same, I was wrong.  The dreams look a lot alike; just the steps to achieving them were different.  Hmmm.... so maybe the lesson in all this is follow your dreams and the passion in your heart, but be awake to and willing to listen for how God is going to get you there! Who knew this little business of mine and this wonderful man who is now my husband were part of God’s plan to help me be the me He wants me to be and give me peace and contentment past understanding.  Hmmm.... this learning to be me and becoming the me that God always intended me to be is a pretty awesome thing now that I have finally quit fighting to have my own way!  WHOOOO HOOOO... I have come a long way BABY...now that I have gotten out of the driver’s seat and let God! 

Rainy Days, Chili, Fear and Learning to Be Me

Today as I sat here looking out the patio door for hours I realized that while I have come a long way in finding myself, I still have some things that need to be dealt with. Now the title of this blog may seem silly for some but it really isn't... all of these things are me! 

Rainy days seem to bring on a melancholy sort of feeling but if I focus there comes a moment when my mind clears and things start to connect and make sense.  Random things start to line up and I see the pattern.  I get still and in front of God and he does the math for me and shows me things I missed.  

Chili at 10:30 in the morning is me saying I know what I want and although it is not the “norm” I am learning to follow my heart and just allow myself to be different.

Fear has been my constant companion for most of my life.  I have dealt with it in some areas but until recently I was unable to put my finger on the root of it. In the last few days I finally see that at the end of the day, I have spent most of my life believing I was not good enough, unwanted and unloved.  That fear led me down the road to fear of abandonment, fear of failure, fear of what others thought and in the end the greatest fear of not being accepted for who I really am warts and all!

I recently finished a Bible Study about fear and one of the assignments was to pinpoint a specific fear and see what the Word has to say about it.  I did not complete the assignment, until today.  The study is over but at the time it was due I simply could not see my fear as anything other than a tangled mess.  I have been working hard over the last few years to really figure out who I was, find my own voice and learning to be comfortable in my own skin.  But in the back of my mind the closer I get to being the real me there is this sense of dread... this overwhelming feeling at times that in becoming the real me I will lose the people I love.  I know for my own sanity I must find me and become whole but the fear of rejection, unworthiness and failure keep telling me it is not worth the risk. 

Today is my D-Day in understanding that my fear is driven by my need to be accepted and included.

News flash#1 - I have changed a lot in the last few years and many people have had a hard time accepting the new me.  Who you knew before was a product of my environment and my desire to belong, partly conforming to those around me so I would not be rejected. You only saw the parts I wanted you to see. I appeared to be out there and public... constant movement and endless chatter is a great mask to cover up the pain and uncertainty that was running through my veins. Being large and in charge was my way of controlling things to keep that pain and fear at bay.  

News Flash #2 – I am more the real me today than I have ever been in my life. I am learning that the real  who I am will never please everyone but at the end of the day if I can learn to accept myself that is what matters most.  I am a work in progress and God is working on me daily. It may appear to some that my life is a hot mess, but truthfully I have more peace and understanding about whom I am, what I am called to be and hope for my future today than I ever did in the past. 

So back to rainy days, chili and fear.... the sun has started to peek through, the chili was good and did not give me heartburn and fear lost one more link it’s chain today.... Life, love and happiness is found in the ever day... look for it!

Deserts, Vultures, Boxes and Life!

“Sometimes you've got to believe in something get up from the desert floor” (Desert Floor, Full Devil Jacket 2013)

I recently went to my first live Metal Show at the tender of age of 51. I have been a closet Metal Head for years but because of the pressures to fit into the boxes I have found myself in over the years I never allowed myself to indulge this secret passion much. When the subject of attending this show first came up that last little part of me that wondered what people would think reared its ugly head for a second. I promptly stomped on its very ugly little head! Now for those who know me and those who don’t, a few years ago I would not have been caught dead at a Metal show or admitted out loud to most people that I liked the music. It would not have fit my perfect church lady/mother/wife gig I was working at that time. My oldest now loves to remind me of all the s**t I gave him when he was growing up over his love of metal. But I also know he is proud his ole momma finally got out of her coffin and joined the world again. I said all of this to get to the point of this blog.

I recently listened to my testimony from 2009 I have posted on youtube (the link is at end of this blog for those who have the need to know. A lot has changed since then so read the rest of this blog for the updates). I talked about the labels the world put on me and the labels I had put on myself. Truthfully they weren't labels so much as they were boxes. Over the years I buried my hurt, pain, my gifting’s and talents, even my true self in those boxes trying to fit somewhere... anywhere. I spread out the pieces of me in these boxes to protect myself and others around me. God over the years has dealt with many of the labels/ boxes I picked up in the world but truthfully I found just as many labeled boxes to climb into during my years as the perfect Christian as well. Now about this show, album and song. It preached,  it pinched and shoved me out of one of my boxes I have lived in for most of my life. The box of what others think of me. Over the last 2 years, I have done a fairly good job of climbing out of that box but it was still there waiting to draw me back. Whatever title you give it, label, box, what others think of you, the expectations of what you think the church and others wants from you... they are all the same thing TRAPS. We allow our experiences and those around us to put labels on us. These labels, boxes and expectations can become a death trap for our soul, spirit and sometimes even our very life.

Over the years I have been boxed or labeled by many things. The box of sexual, physical and emotional abuse. The box of condemnation heaped on me for being a promiscuous teenager and teen mom. The box of a woman who has been divorced, remarried and divorced more than once. I learned early in life that my worth according to the world and those around me was based on what I could provide a man. I learned all the skills to do or be whatever it took to please others around me so that I might find what up until then I thought was love. Somewhere in all this I had brief brushes with religion, not God, religion. My abuser was considered godly by most and hide behind that cloak for years. I had well-meaning people try to witness to the wayward teen I became. I tried to reconcile my life with the “God” they claimed was all that and a bag of chips. Sadly by the time I heard about the real GOD for the first time I was so damaged I could not believe He had time for me.

By the age of 18 I had given birth to two children, one I kept and one I gave up for adoption. I had been married briefly at 17, divorced and getting ready to remarry again. This second marriage added to my life in many ways good and bad. But with this marriage I once again entered the box of expectation. My behavior determined how I was treated and of course I never measured up and punishment always came. The trap of this box called expectation is when someone always has expectations of who you should be and it is not your authentic self, you will always come up short. No matter how hard you try it will never be good enough because you can’t keep up the act when you are going against who you really are. From time to time brief moments of joy would slip in with my children and even with my husband, but they never lasted long and the darkness that had followed me around most of my life had taken up permanent residence in my soul. The desert floor will always invite you back over and over again... the vultures love the company.

By the time I was 32 I was once again divorced with two more kids in tow. My children are and always have been the shining stars in my otherwise crazy life up to this point. But the danger of living in those boxes is that it affects all who are close to you. My kids have enjoyed me in stability and survived me in chaos. If I was told I could only point to one thing that convinced me there was a God, my beautiful children would be what I would point to. After 9 years I once more I found myself on the desert floor. I was remarried to a raging alcoholic and serial cheater. This box almost did me in, thinking I would be happy if I could fix him I realized the sad truth was that the only person I needed to fix was myself. Unwilling to take that task on at that time, I decided it was easier to simply die.

In 2004, 8 months after my last separation from the serial cheater I woke once again in the hospital after a suicide attempt. I say again because I had tried this solution before when things got too much throughout my life. I almost completed the attempt this time as I was five minutes from my heart stopping from a fatal dose of antidepressants and Xanax with an alcohol chaser, when my then 14 year old daughter found me. You know you messed up when you wake up in the cardiac unit and not the psych ward after a suicide attempt. But this time it was different, because during the last 9 years I had dated God off and on. Now don’t get me wrong, I was not able to stay in any church for to long, I had a hard time with men and their definition of religion. But somewhere along the way God had gotten His hooks into me. My then brother in law was a Baptist preacher, one thing I will say about the Baptist is that if there is a sinner in a 10 mile radius someone is getting saved... one of those people had been me. Three days after I left the hospital, God met me in a dark mirror and for the first time in my life I surrendered (my right to screw up my life) to Him. Bit by bit He started peeling off the labels and there were visible cracks in a few of those boxes.

For the next 6 ½ years I immersed myself in a new marriage to a Godly man, church, ministry work and anything that made me feel useful. My walk with God was fairly steady, but there were still parts of me in those boxes. I found many things to keep my hands busy with, anything but what I needed to work on...myself. I still had many parts of me in various boxes but I tried at all cost to keep the lids tightly shut for fear of what people would think of me. I had a few moments of pure honesty during this time but they were met with shock and quiet shuffling by some leadership in my life that kept me in my second class Christian place. I learned in church, honesty was no more appreciated than it was in the world. So in the box I stayed and the darkness lurked and the vultures called to me.

In 2011 my entire world was turned upside down by the diagnosis and subsequent death in matter of months of my husband to cancer. I was once again alone and without the person I had molded my life around. See the truth was that even as a believer I still tried to be what I thought others wanted me to be. At the time of his death I was in a church that accepted my past so that allowed me some relief from the fear that still stalked my soul. But truth was I still had this darkness that lurked in the corners of my mind and I had never fully dealt with it. I simply medicated it with trying to be the perfect wife and Christian and now that had disappeared. My husband was dead and I failed to pray him well so I had failed on both counts. In less than a year I lost my husband, my home and most of my material possessions. I was dependent on my children and my church family. I was adrift and realized a lot of my “faith” had been placed in the things and the people around me and not in God. I loved God with all my heart but truthfully I still didn’t trust Him to really love all of me. When I stumbled (their definition not mine) out of loneliness, I was lovely sent to deliverance and instructed that I was a valuable asset to the organization BUT my behavior would have to get in line. I was instructed by my then spiritual authority to put both feet back into the work of the church. There was work to do and so in my mind I had no time to finish grieving or deal with the darkness that still haunted me. The funny thing is that the enemy of our soul will always strike when we are at our lowest and frankly I believe with all my heart that God allowed it to strike at this time because the only one who was believing the lie about my fabulous Christian walk was myself. The time had come for me to climb out of another box! I truly felt like God put a boot in my a** and made me deal cause I did not volunteer to do it I assure you! LOL

So since 2011 instead of dealing with the darkness in my usual way I choose to honor the deal I had struck with God back in 2004, when the darkness tried to creep in, I surrendered. When life overwhelmed me, I surrendered. When the desert floor called and the vultures heckled me... I believed in something and got up! I have been out of “organized religion” since 2012 because as I began to walk out of the fog of grief and fear I realized I had put my trust in people and in a man made thing called church and not in God. The darkness that haunted me was brought to light and you know how darkness hates light! I have accepted that at this point in my life I have no box in which to climb into. I am not the person I was before God, but I am not the perfect church lady/mother/wife I was for 6 years either. I don’t fit in the boxes of my past even though I tried a few times to crawl back to some them I knew would kill me. God in His infinite grace was standing in the way each time I looked at the desert floor. I have people who have earned my trust that I go to for guidance and prayer but at this stage I am a little scared of anything that remotely resembles a box... just sayin!

So what does this have to do with a Metal Show and the song quote from earlier? The answer is this, the darkness that once haunted me was simply my fear of finding out who I really am and my willingness to accept all of me. The darkness held the false fear the enemy instilled in me a long time ago that there was nothing in me God could love.... LIAR LIAR LIAR! I finally got up from the desert floor and decided to live...to live a life that for the first time ever is as real as I have ever lived. The real me who loves metal and does not always follow the “rules.” The real me who loves God but who does not fit neatly into that box most call church, I call it religious tradition. The real me who for the first time can accept the good and different that is me. The me that has a someone in her life who doesn’t have a box for her to climb into... that by the way is something I at first found very hard to do even on my best day. I used to hate the statement, “No expectations” but now I find it somewhat comforting. I know I am part of his life because he chooses for me to be and not because he expects something from me. For the first time in my life I only have me and God to blame for the me I am today (yes I said blame God, get your panties out of a twist). Each day I make the choice to get up from the desert floor or lay there with the vultures and the past. Every day that I choose to get up I know God smiles because unlike men’s grace, God’s grace is new every day! And most importantly each day that I get up I choose to give myself grace.

Do I still have boxes I need to get out of? Yep! I didn't get here overnight so I am still and may always be a work in progress. But today I am okay with who I am, what I am and where I am on this road we call life. I am a metal loving ole girl who is enjoying living a very different life than I have ever lived. My motto in life is no matter what take each day as it comes and ROCK ON!

My testimony link as promised... http://youtu.be/mmZVeZvdU8c