Live Like You Were Dying

     Live Like You Were Dying, a very tender and wonderful song by Tim McGraw caused some reflection and tears today. Funny how life happens, just when you think you have it all figured out something from deep within rises up and says there is still more to learn... to let go of... to do.   Do we really have a clue how much we leave unsaid or undone?  If we were to die tomorrow what a sad and horrible thing it would be if we went without saying or doing something that might have changed us, our loved ones and others around us. Do we really understand the simple joy in living each day to the fullest... would we be shocked at the regrets we might have as we stood in eternity and looked back and see the things we missed. I can say as of today I would carry many regrets, I would like to say that starting tomorrow I would work at not adding anymore to the long list I already have. Truthfully I will probably add a few more to the list before I die... but starting today I truly want to make a conscious effort to live like I was dying.

     In 2011 I watched someone whom I loved dearly die a horrible death. He and the rest of the family, me included were so focused on the disease we missed the chance to simply live... it is one of my biggest regrets.  We were so focused on chasing a cure so we would have a tomorrow with him we completely missed 5 months and 8 days of today's that we could have made special for him and ourselves. We became so entrenched in the dying process that after he passed many of us forgot how to simply live again.  I can’t and won’t speak for the rest of those who loved him and were by his side during his illness and death, but I can and will speak for myself.  I was so wrapped up in being the most informed wife about the devil called cancer I forgot I had a husband who needed reassurance he was still loved by his wife even in his fragile and unmanly state.  He needed to hear I adored him and he needed to hear less from me of what he needed to do to get better.  He needed to hear that I still thought he was attractive to me even in the mist of having to clean him and change him.  He needed to simply hear me laugh and giggle when he made a funny face and not  see my scowling face that he was not taking serious what I was trying to get him to understand at that moment.

    I needed to simply enjoy the vegetables that were growing in my garden instead of moaning that others had to do the work for me.  I should have wanted to live more and love harder instead of shutting off all feeling and thought of life that awful day I heard the words incurable cancer.  I should have enjoyed the short lived coming together of both our families instead of saying I told you so when they disappeared and regretted how easily I shut them out after he died. I should have made an effort to be gentle in spirit instead of trying to explain to God the flaw in the plan he had for us.  I shut down on April 19, 2011 and it took almost 2 years for me to even feel anything but anger and hurt.  On the rare occasion that I allowed myself to feel anything, I spent days and weeks punishing myself for feeling.  I ceased to be I ceased to live I ceased to love anyone or anything, especially myself.

     Over the last year I have learned to live again through gridded teeth and with many setbacks.  I have learned to love and trust again, but the road was very rough on me and those around me because I fought it every step of the way. I have only recently accepted that living is for the living and that I have a choice each day to love those around me whole heartedly without fear. We are not promised tomorrow, we only have today and we must choose not to miss the joy of this day worrying about what may happen tomorrow.  I have lost many people whom I considered family and friends; I have been blessed with new people and family since then.  I have spent close to a year being so fearful of what the future would hold in my new relationship I missed many today's and the joy they could have brought simply because of fear.  People come and go in our lives and truthfully we have no guarantee they will be with us tomorrow. But we must be willing to live in today, be willing to risk the pain of tomorrow to truly understand and enjoy this wonderful thing we call life.  

     Is there anything you would regret if tomorrow was your last day? Don’t waste this day, tell the ones you love just how much you love them, be brave and try that one thing you always wanted to try... Live today as if you dying, the reward will be life and life lived to the fullest!

                

Who Am I or Rants of a Frustrated Christian Woman!

The song, Who Am I, by Casting Crowns is one of my favorites!  Recently however a book I am reading for a class,  (Courage & Calling by Gordon  T. Smith) is challenging what I believe about God, myself and what I am called to do.  Smith says, “To live in truth, we must be true to who we are.  But this is not possible unless we know who we are: how God has made us, how we are unique, how God has enabled us to serve him in the church and in the world.” (p. 54-55) And there is where the problem starts for me, over the last 2 years the entire life I thought I was going to have and was created to live was shredded and strip away from me.  I was going to be the wife of my loving husband until I died, instead he died in 2011,and I became a widow at the tender age of 48. I was going to live out my days in rural TN growing my heirloom vegetables making a little money and continue to work as a volunteer at my church. I was going to grow old watching my grandchildren run across the field behind my house laughing, growing and multiplying.  Instead I lost my home and was left with a broken down car, no money and no hope...  I was I was I was, until it was no more.  

 Now in the last 2 years as I have tried to start over (and over and over) I find that most days I feel I am coming up against a brick wall in all areas of my life.  With every step I take I feel that I am being pushed back or pushed away... in my work and career goals, in my personal relationships and even in my spiritual life.  I am confused and quite frankly WORE OUT!  I feel the root of the problem is that I no longer know who I am and as I seek validation from others around me, through work and from God it fails and fails miserable at times.  Now understand I know my value and validation  must come from God, but we must get out of the bubble of not taking other things in the natural world around us into consideration.  We draw and surround ourselves with people, places and things that reflect where we are, where we want to go or what we think we deserve.  The days of Polly Anna Christianity are over for me, I have begun to seriously look at the Jesus I believed in and sadly have come to the conclusion I believed what I was taught and not necessarily what I knew personally for myself.  Which brings me back to the realization that I have no clue who I am because I have no clue about the purpose I was created for.  Who am I? Why am I? Where am I? What am I? The defenses I used in the past to buck up, pull myself up, grin and bear it no longer work, another thing that was stripped from me in this process.  My formulas of coping are also gone, my resolve to get it done and go on are gone... so once again  WHO THE HELL AM I?   A few weeks ago I woke to the realization I am in this mess and I was not pleased by this revelation in anyway.  But then again maybe I am at least relieved that at least I know the problem to why I have felt my whole life was going to hell in a hand basket (yes I used that silly old phrase.... it so applies here) and I was helpless to change the direction.

This is what I do know at this point, I am not satisfied  with my current life... I am adrift, I am without a stable environment and I am not happy about it.  I do not have any dreams for my future and I have no clue where to start dreaming again.... the words “Holy discomfort” comes to mind and that is not making me any happier.  I know that I am in the mist of several things I started while in a coma of simply existing and not living, which means how do I trust any of it is real or actually for me.  The word says in Jeremiah 29:11, “For I know the plans I have for you,” says the Lord. “They are plans for good and not for disaster, to give you a future and a hope.”"  Okay great... but some direction at this point or at least a clue would be helpful.  I so want to know who I am, where I am going and my true calling and purpose in life, I crave it above all things at this point.  I want to live a life of fulfillment and joy; I want to bring something to the table to share with my family, the people I love and to those who You could use me to help.  In prayer I hear wait and trust, and others have confirmed that, but hey is it so wrong to want some direction from on High and some sign that I am at least headed in the right direction or some red flags that I am not ( at this point BIG RED FLAGS)?  Job says, “though He slay me yet I will trust Him” but let me tell you, I have been slayed and waylaid in every area of my life recently and trust is a dicey deal for me right now.... just keeping it real.  I don’t want to sound hopeless or helpless, I am just  in short supply of  said hope and feeling able, very  frustrated and confused!   What many around me and myself as well have failed to acknowledge is that the one thing God created me to be is a woman, and as a woman I know He for some strange reason created us to crave and flourish in stability and safety and that is in short supply in my life at the moment, hence the frustration with those little words, trust and wait!  So God as I end this somewhat rant against Your all-knowing Self, can I say I am trying and willing to move as You direct, but as a woman can I get that map in writing... You wired me that way just saying!  

Something Beautiful

Something Beautiful is a song by Need to Breath.... and as I sat listening to it this morning, I realized that  although the last 22 mths of my life by most people’s standards has been filled with an enormous amount of ugliness, loss and pain... the cancer diagnoses of my husband in April 2011, the 5 mths and 8 days that he struggled so horribly until he went home to be the Lord on September 29, 2011,  the loss of my home,  the loss of every material thing that I thought I could not live without, the loss of my life as I knew it... but sitting here in this moment I can look back and see God’s BEAUTIFUL hand on me in the mist of the pain and devastation.  In the family that came together and gave their support, time and love even when they did not always agree with how I handled some things, who stayed by my side during Bobby’s illness and even though many of us don’t talk anymore, I will always carry the memory of their support and love in my heart... the Beautiful.  In the many people who helped with their time and money, some of which are no longer in my life, I carry the memory of their unwavering support... The Beautiful.  In the memory of a dear friend who remodeled our bathroom to make it easier for us and who 3 days before Bobby’s passing  found honeysuckle at the end of September  for me so it would be at his bedside when he left this world... The Beautiful.  In the people and family who when I shut everyone out in my pain pushed past the wall I had around my heart and forced me to allow them to love me anyway... The Beautiful.  In my darling children who loved me and  fought me just to keep me willing to live another day on this earth with them.... THE BEAUTIFUL! In the people who when all was lost stepped up and helped me start over with a place to live and a fresh start in a new town... The Beautiful. In the God who would not allow me to lay down and held me in the night when I could feel nothing but pain and anger... OH THE BEAUTIFUL! 

As I started to try and  live again, I was scared and suspicious of everyone and everything... fear of the unknown, fear of being alone, fear of love, fear of happiness and some days just breathing.... but in the mist of that The Beautiful was there.  In the quiet moments of the night, when no one really  knew how terrified I was of living... THE BEAUTIFUL was there to hold me.   In the silly, loving and compassionate face of  a new friend... I see the BEAUTIFUL.  In the smile of my granddaughters... I see the BEAUTIFUL. In the continuing care and love of my darling children... I see THE BEAUTIFUL shining through.  In the mirror on the days I don’t feel pretty or worthy , The Beautiful stares back at me and says... “you made it, you are worthy, you have a hope and a future”.... and in that moment I realize, the BEAUTIFUL lives inside of me and will never forsake me no matter the situation, pain or even the mistakes I will make along the way.... NOW THAT IS SOMETHING BEAUTIFUL!

The Lie...

I am not sure where this blog will go or the point of it at all, but I had a profound revelation this evening about myself and I need to put it to paper.  18 months ago my husband was diagnosed with incurable lung cancer that was already in stage 4 when it was found... of course as believers we went into overdrive declaring, believing, praying  for healing and doing everything medically we could do to save him... to no avail. He died 5 months and 8 days from the day we heard the word cancer for the first time.

When we first found out my reaction was anger at God, after all we were good Christians who were faithful to our congregation, I was actively involved in several ministries, he was a tender man who would pray for anyone and everyone,  a good Christian husband, brother and son, father and stepfather, we were doing all the right things right.  I was overwhelmed with  guilt... had I failed as his wife to keep him covered in prayer enough, why had I, the woman who could get a thus sayeth for others missed the fact that my own husband had cancer for over a year and I never “heard” a word about it? As we fought the good fight in the beginning of this journey  when I was not wallowing in guilt I was angry at God and then at my husband  as well... why was he going downhill so fast GOD, why are You not healing him... where was his faith, why weren’t my prayers being answered?  WHY GOD WHY was this happening to us. I kept up the appearance for everyone especially my husband of being  strong and handling it all.  I waved the flag of faith over everything I did, I prayed and I spoke all the right words. I gave my husband pep talks that bored on bullying at times about how his healing was his for the asking.  I would not allow anyone  but me to care for him... I kept up with medicines, doctor visits, midnight bathroom runs, cleaning and cooking,  comforting him,  comforting family members, listening to kids and others bemoan this horrible thing, all the while I was dying inside... but never the less I pressed on. I did it  all up until the last hospital visit when the doctors very clearly and bluntly said he only had weeks to live  and then I grudgingly allowed others to help, not because I wanted to but because I could not lift or tend to a 6 foot 200 pound paralyzed man by myself.

When he died I shut everyone out, I put on my good Christian woman face and I walked around like I had the 5 months before,  I jumped back into service at church, I pressed forward, I said all the right things about the glorious future that God had planned for me,  but the truth under that mask was ugly.  I was angry at God, my husband and everyone I came in contact with, I resented God for not healing my husband, I was mad at my husband for not having faith and fighting to live, I resented other their grief and their attempts to comfort me. How could they understand what it felt like to be me.  I had lost not only my husband, but also  my home, my way of life and everything I held dear. The day my house closed I was handed a check for $68.41 and I thought, God is that all 6 years of my life was worth.  But once again I put on the mask and I pressed on.  I opened a door that day to move on with my life and set myself up for another fall... the problem was I still had not dealt with the one thing that was dogging me and the sad thing is until today I had no clue it was there.... I believed with everything with in me that I was the cause and the reason my life as I knew it was over, I believed that I was the reason my husband was dead. I have carried that with me into everything I have touched and done since that horrible  day we heard the word cancer. I have stumbled into and out of  a few people’s lives and I wondered why I always felt inadequate and unwanted around them after a time, I set people up to fail me, because I was walking out a self-fulfilling prophecy that I was a failure and unworthy. I had stepped upon a path of self-destruction and did not even tell myself. 18 mths ago I declared myself a failure and unworthy and I have walked in that lie and let it operate in every area of my life since then. It has caused me great pain,  it has caused people to distance themselves from me, because I was trying to find my worthiness in their approval of me and it has caused me to push people away all the while leaving me wondering why.  I still don’t have the answers to why all this happened, I may never know. I don’t  know why this all finally came to light now but I do know this... I am going to get better, I am going to be whole and I am going to be happy again... I deserve it and I am worthy. 

A Picture of my life...

If you could take a picture of things that represent your life what would it look like... here is mine.

Each item in this picture represents the important things in my life... they speak of me without a word being spoken... they represent my past, my now and my future, my hopes and my legacy....

The shofar is a symbol of my desire to see a sound released over NE Arkansas, West TN and SE MO that will break the bondage's that have entrapped the people and the land of this region...I had the privilege of driving from 2008 to 2010 each month through these areas. God sent some wonderful people to speak into my life in July 2008 at the same time He provided me a job that payed me to drive from Ripley TN to Blytheville, AR (my home town)... I got paid to do a prayer drive each month... NOW THAT WAS A GOD THING!  I wandered all over the bootheel of  Missouri, NE Arkansas and what I call the Hwy 51 area of West TN and even out a little farther... it was one of the most amazing times in my life.  I thought when the job ended my assignment had ended.  I was wrong, God had simply put me on an extended leave as I dealt with the illness and the going home of my husband.  Recently HE has reignited the fire in my heart to see this region become all that it is meant to be... SOUND THE ALARM...AWAKEN THE WATCHMEN!!!! 

The Scarves are prophetically dyed scarves from dyed4you  and often are with me when I take my shofar to a service or on a prayer assignment. The first scarf is called Redeemed (on the right in the picture), it was literally purchased without me releasing any information to dyed4you about me.  Allowing them to design what they felt the Lord said to them ...  and this what they came up with:  the colors & what they represent - Fuchsia - passion, Storm - cleansing, Cranberry - worth the ultimate price, Burgundy - bought with a price!  I am passionate about what moves my heart, I am an all or nothing kind of girl... If I am in I am all in, if I love, I love with all of me... the rest is related to my testimony!  You can go here to listen to my testimony and you will understand how well Meghan and her team hear from God.  I received Redeemed just a few weeks before my husband was diagnosed with lung cancer. It represents who I am in the eyes of God and was something tangible for me to hold onto during the hardest days of my life. The second scarf, is called Comfort,  colors & what they represent - Purple - The Promises of God, Dusty Rose - Peace: the Father's care over His children, White - Purity.  I ordered this specific scarf the day they sent my husband home from the hospital with hospice and told us he had only a few weeks at best to live (he died 2 weeks to the day we left the hospital).  I ordered it to wear at his funeral, it arrived 10 days after the funeral... it represents God's complete attention to every detail of my life... HE wanted me to always see this scarf as a representation of  His love for me and that HE was and will always be my Comforter, and not as a reminder of a funeral... each breath I take is monitored by HIM. 

The oil is from   Abba Anointing Oil  it is called Cassia, - In the spiritual sense, cassia speaks of humility, being stripped of pride, set apart (holy) with a servant's heart.  It represents the process I have been through in the last 17 months of my life. I have been stripped of everything I thought I could not live without... my husband, my home, my hopes and dreams, my pride.... I was crushed and broken, yet HE has healed me and made me whole... now HE  is pouring the anointing into me that HE can use for HIS purpose.  It is an ongoing process.... I humbly submit daily to His love and adjustments of me.

The small  picture on the left  just behind the shofar is of the four most beautiful people in the world to me, my children Elliott, Jennifer, Michael and Jessica, they represent the best of who I am.  Each one is very unique and wonderfully made.  They have been thru a lot with me in the days of my craziness but God gave me the chance to redeem my relationship with each of them.  He also gave me a promise regarding them, in the upper left hand corner of the picture is the word sanctuary... one of the meaning of the word is:  A sacred and inviolable asylum; a place of refuge and protection; shelter; refuge; protection.


The ladybug pin in front of the shofar  and the ultrasound picture on the right represent the 2nd generation of my legacy.... My Granddaughters, Lilly Grace (called Lilly Bug) and Sydney Lynn who was my firstborn grandbaby! My goal is to live each day of my life as well as I can so that they and all my grandbabies yet to come will bear the fruit of what God is doing in my life long after I am gone...  They are my blessings on legs, the bright stars in my dark nights and gifts beyond compare.  They are the reason on the days I get it all wrong, that I get back up and try harder the next day!


The last thing in this picture represents my future... The painting is by a dear sweet girl by the name of Jeanne Nelson.  I fell in love with this cabin in the woods a few years ago, but it is only recently I understood why.   It represents my future place of sanctuary, my dream home in my old age, a place of peace and of fulfillment. It speaks to my hope that one day I will again have a place to call home a place where someone will hold me tight when I need to cry, will be there to hold my hand in my old age and love me as Christ loves me. It is hidden away from the world and yet appears to me to be the safest place on earth, a place I will be happy and safe til I take my last breath and finally see my Jesus...

So that is what the picture of my life means to me... what does yours say about you?  I pray if you don't have a picture of your life in your mind, you seek the one who can help you find it... Jesus.

Where did you lose your KEYS?

This morning as I was walking I came up with the brilliant plan to stick my car key under my arm band that was holding my phone, thinking if my keys fell I would feel them or hear them.  LOL... you know how that worked, right! As I finished my second mile I realized I had lost them.  I was dumbfounded for a minute then I was a little panic stricken, then I realized where they probably fell... on that little hill I like to jog up. The problem is the little hill was at least 2/3 of a mile away which meant I had to walk ALL the way around to that place to see if in fact they were there.  I of course looked on my way there and I kept saying God where are those keys... my spirit answered, you know exactly where they are.  I was a little frustrated I could not just snap my fingers and be there, but I figured since I had to re-walk the path I might as well  use it usefully, so I started praying....

God started whispering,  Nora sometimes you get so caught up in the moment or things around you , that  you don’t realize you have dropped your keys... you are wide open and it is only when you get to a place of needing those keys do you realize that you are trying to operate without a very important thing... Just like you have been operating the last few weeks without Me.  Just like you have to walk around this path again to find the exact place you lost the keys, I had to walk you around the path to the place of where you dropped Me off.  I need you to understand where you dropped ME off & why you dropped ME off.

We like to holler OH God where are You, OH GOD why did YOU  leave me when things get tough or the enemy is in our face laughing at us as we are stumbling the path blindly.  But the truth is we are the ones who leave HIM on the side of the path when it isn't convenient having Holy Spirit in our ear going... no that is not a wise choice.  We may not even notice the first lap or two, then there comes a moment when you realize you are not hearing HIM as you have, you are not at peace about anything and every little wind that blows scares you.  You can’t see people the way HE sees them, you view them thru your mistrust or need, you question their motives, your motives and you have no way of seeing the truth, because chaos is the enemies best friend.  We will realize where we let go of HIS hand and then in our selfishness we ask GOD to just transport us  to that moment and just start from there, but alas there is a process. That process is meant to teach us something so that maybe we won’t take one more lap without HIM.  I experienced that in the last few days. 

Two things I learned through this, I still feel the  need for others approval and I see myself as alone and in need... OUCH!  Correction is a hard thing, and it hurts, but the peace that comes with it is so past any words I can put to paper... here is the truth HE gave me.... I am accepted in the Beloved even when I miss it, I am chased daily with a love that surpasses all understanding, I am not alone, I never have been... My DADDY GOD has been there thru it all!  I am a blessed daughter of the MOST HIGH GOD!  Thank YOU FATHER GOD for YOUR forgiveness, grace and love!!!!

My beloved spoke and said to me,

"Arise, my darling,

my beautiful one, come with me. See! The winter is past;

the rains are over and gone. Flowers appear on the earth;

the season of singing has come,

the cooing of doves

is heard in our land. The fig tree forms its early fruit;

the blossoming vines spread their fragrance.

Arise, come, my darling;

my beautiful one, come with me." (Song of Solomon 2:10-13 NIV)

Lesson's I learned from my husband

Lesson’s I learned from my husband

I was listening to the song the other day Bless the Broken Road by Rascal Flatts. It was our wedding song when my deceased husband and I were married almost 7 years ago.  I was worried it would cause a flood of tears and pain, it did not. It did cause a flood of happy memories, wishful dreams that did not come true and understanding that sometimes we can’t always see the bigger picture.  As I was walking and listening, I kept hitting repeat trying to figure out what I was feeling and hearing in my heart and spirit. I realized that my husband who was a part of the broken road I am still on and while he was on the road with me he taught me some very important lessons in 6 ½ year. Lessons that will serve me well for the rest of my life and I want to share a few of those lessons here, for your amusement or maybe as a way of showing that even in lose there is good that can be found.

11)      A hardhead makes for soft a** (translation: butt) -  My husband was wont to say I was a bit stubborn and I was a woman who loved to get her way.  I am not stubborn more like one track minded. I get a thought in my head on how it should go or be done and I sometimes can’t see another’s point of view.  My husband was the child of a farmer and farmed some himself as an adult, he knew about farming and he knew about land.  But when we (meaning me) decided to start an heirloom vegetable business I studied the organic ways of handling the land and basic farming methods and techniques.  When I excitedly shared my new knowledge of farming and the way we were going to do it, my husband was amused to put it nicely.  But I was going to have my way in this so I talked and talked and he finally gave in to hush me up!  So we set out on our grand adventure… We tilled up the land to my specifications… him alternating between huffing and laughing. We planted EVERYTHING by hand and I decided on spacing, row size etc.  The first year was our experimenting year which is why I am sure there wasn’t more back lash to my new farming methods.  So here we go, first thing that took me by surprise was rain, as in too much of it early on and not nearly enough later in the growing season.  Everything we planted in the flat I so demanded we plant at was either washed away or moved over til our rows looked like coiled snakes.  The year we decided to do this was the first of 2 years of major rainfall and flooding in the spring.  So we ended up having to replant about 50% of our vegetables.  Then for the rest of the year there was almost no rain at all.  I had vegetables spread all over with no way to water them and that caused way more work than it should have been. Then my spacing lead to vegetables to close or to spread out which made it hard to get a tiller down between rows and that meant weeding was a nightmare. My husband did his best to explain to me farming was a lot like gambling sometimes you win, sometimes you don’t. Gambling is something that makes me sick to my stomach after the first $20.00 is spent so when some of my gambling did not pay off, I realized I should have listened more and read less.  After the first year I learned a few things… he was way smarter than I gave him credit for, he had the patience of Job and he should have put his foot down with me and made me see the sense of his way of farming.  I am not a woman who would buck his final word, but a few days of me pouting was not something he handled well… I was a wee bit spoiled, so I got away with more than I should have. LOL

22)      Real men can say no and still love their wives as Christ loved the Church – As I stated earlier my husband often let me get away with more than I should have, but there were times in our lives when he did not back down.  He made decision based on a few simple principles: Was it going to cause me harm.  Was it going to cause harm to our marriage.  Did the benefit out way the cost. Please notice the order of those principles that was his order not mine, I and our marriage came first with him ALWAYS.  In the entire time we were married we only had one true fight and it was very early in our marriage. It was not a pretty thing and I will not expose him or myself with the details, but the bottom line was this, I was spending more time taking care of everyone and everything else I was involved in than I was investing time in our relationship the way that I should. I of course was explaining how important everything I was doing was, after all 75% of what I was doing involved church.  But he was not going to let this one alone and I finally saw his way, well not really at first but I gave cause I cannot abide strife.  He however was right and I stopped being on call 24/7 and I made a promise that he got at least one day a week of my undivided time  Most weeks he got more time and others we worked together on my project of the week.  It taught me balance and it taught me to include him in anything he was willing to be a part of and to let him sit out anything he did not want to be a part of. He taught me to respect his and others choices.  He taught me that real love was not only protecting me from the big bad world but it was also protecting me from myself.

33)      Fussing in the back of a boat will not get you any closer to the bank but it will get you a trolling motor of your own. -  Now fishing and camping was our favorite thing to do.  We loved to be in a boat all day, getting all sunburned and smelling like fish or just bait, depending on how the fishing went.  I am a crappie fishing bank hugging fool; he on the other hand alternated  between sitting 3 inches off the bank brimm fishing or 10 foot off a bank just trolling.  Made me insane… I never knew if I was going to be in a tree unable to jig or so far out I could not get the line out…. I fussed & fussed, I whined… so one day I come home to find he has tied (think Jethro Bodine) a trolling motor to the back of the boat just for me.   First trip out I was excited, I finally had some control over the boat… every true southern woman’s dream!   My excitement didn’t last long, it was work and it was frustrating.  About the time I got the boat where I wanted the wind would blow it out of position or he would shift and I spent more time wrestling with that stupid trolling motor than I did fishing.  I quickly realized that I had made him feel that nothing he did was right and I was stealing the pleasure he took in fishing with me. Needless to say, I was a little ashamed of myself.  I learned that if you want to be part of the solution to a problem that there will be work involved and whining is never the answer to a problem. He taught me to look at problems from another point of view (see the theme here LOL).  He never took the trolling motor off the boat, it was there when my stepson bought the boat from me after his death.  I think he realized I needed the constant reminder of it and truthfully he simply enjoyed teaching me this lesson, we laughed often about that Bodined’ trolling motor.

On a daily basis I have opportunity to use and remember these lessons so loving taught me by my husband.  These are things that I will carry with me for the rest of my life, not as sorrowful burdens, but as valuable tools and evidence of his great love for me.  That love so much like Christ’s love for us.  When God has to teach us a lesson or allow us to face the consequences of our actions, it is always covered in love and in the end meant for our good. I lost my husband, my home and my entire way of life… yet I am still here and I still have a purpose and there is still a plan for my life. Good will come from what was meant to crush us if we will hold on and believe.