Deserts, Vultures, Boxes and Life!

“Sometimes you've got to believe in something get up from the desert floor” (Desert Floor, Full Devil Jacket 2013)

I recently went to my first live Metal Show at the tender of age of 51. I have been a closet Metal Head for years but because of the pressures to fit into the boxes I have found myself in over the years I never allowed myself to indulge this secret passion much. When the subject of attending this show first came up that last little part of me that wondered what people would think reared its ugly head for a second. I promptly stomped on its very ugly little head! Now for those who know me and those who don’t, a few years ago I would not have been caught dead at a Metal show or admitted out loud to most people that I liked the music. It would not have fit my perfect church lady/mother/wife gig I was working at that time. My oldest now loves to remind me of all the s**t I gave him when he was growing up over his love of metal. But I also know he is proud his ole momma finally got out of her coffin and joined the world again. I said all of this to get to the point of this blog.

I recently listened to my testimony from 2009 I have posted on youtube (the link is at end of this blog for those who have the need to know. A lot has changed since then so read the rest of this blog for the updates). I talked about the labels the world put on me and the labels I had put on myself. Truthfully they weren't labels so much as they were boxes. Over the years I buried my hurt, pain, my gifting’s and talents, even my true self in those boxes trying to fit somewhere... anywhere. I spread out the pieces of me in these boxes to protect myself and others around me. God over the years has dealt with many of the labels/ boxes I picked up in the world but truthfully I found just as many labeled boxes to climb into during my years as the perfect Christian as well. Now about this show, album and song. It preached,  it pinched and shoved me out of one of my boxes I have lived in for most of my life. The box of what others think of me. Over the last 2 years, I have done a fairly good job of climbing out of that box but it was still there waiting to draw me back. Whatever title you give it, label, box, what others think of you, the expectations of what you think the church and others wants from you... they are all the same thing TRAPS. We allow our experiences and those around us to put labels on us. These labels, boxes and expectations can become a death trap for our soul, spirit and sometimes even our very life.

Over the years I have been boxed or labeled by many things. The box of sexual, physical and emotional abuse. The box of condemnation heaped on me for being a promiscuous teenager and teen mom. The box of a woman who has been divorced, remarried and divorced more than once. I learned early in life that my worth according to the world and those around me was based on what I could provide a man. I learned all the skills to do or be whatever it took to please others around me so that I might find what up until then I thought was love. Somewhere in all this I had brief brushes with religion, not God, religion. My abuser was considered godly by most and hide behind that cloak for years. I had well-meaning people try to witness to the wayward teen I became. I tried to reconcile my life with the “God” they claimed was all that and a bag of chips. Sadly by the time I heard about the real GOD for the first time I was so damaged I could not believe He had time for me.

By the age of 18 I had given birth to two children, one I kept and one I gave up for adoption. I had been married briefly at 17, divorced and getting ready to remarry again. This second marriage added to my life in many ways good and bad. But with this marriage I once again entered the box of expectation. My behavior determined how I was treated and of course I never measured up and punishment always came. The trap of this box called expectation is when someone always has expectations of who you should be and it is not your authentic self, you will always come up short. No matter how hard you try it will never be good enough because you can’t keep up the act when you are going against who you really are. From time to time brief moments of joy would slip in with my children and even with my husband, but they never lasted long and the darkness that had followed me around most of my life had taken up permanent residence in my soul. The desert floor will always invite you back over and over again... the vultures love the company.

By the time I was 32 I was once again divorced with two more kids in tow. My children are and always have been the shining stars in my otherwise crazy life up to this point. But the danger of living in those boxes is that it affects all who are close to you. My kids have enjoyed me in stability and survived me in chaos. If I was told I could only point to one thing that convinced me there was a God, my beautiful children would be what I would point to. After 9 years I once more I found myself on the desert floor. I was remarried to a raging alcoholic and serial cheater. This box almost did me in, thinking I would be happy if I could fix him I realized the sad truth was that the only person I needed to fix was myself. Unwilling to take that task on at that time, I decided it was easier to simply die.

In 2004, 8 months after my last separation from the serial cheater I woke once again in the hospital after a suicide attempt. I say again because I had tried this solution before when things got too much throughout my life. I almost completed the attempt this time as I was five minutes from my heart stopping from a fatal dose of antidepressants and Xanax with an alcohol chaser, when my then 14 year old daughter found me. You know you messed up when you wake up in the cardiac unit and not the psych ward after a suicide attempt. But this time it was different, because during the last 9 years I had dated God off and on. Now don’t get me wrong, I was not able to stay in any church for to long, I had a hard time with men and their definition of religion. But somewhere along the way God had gotten His hooks into me. My then brother in law was a Baptist preacher, one thing I will say about the Baptist is that if there is a sinner in a 10 mile radius someone is getting saved... one of those people had been me. Three days after I left the hospital, God met me in a dark mirror and for the first time in my life I surrendered (my right to screw up my life) to Him. Bit by bit He started peeling off the labels and there were visible cracks in a few of those boxes.

For the next 6 ½ years I immersed myself in a new marriage to a Godly man, church, ministry work and anything that made me feel useful. My walk with God was fairly steady, but there were still parts of me in those boxes. I found many things to keep my hands busy with, anything but what I needed to work on...myself. I still had many parts of me in various boxes but I tried at all cost to keep the lids tightly shut for fear of what people would think of me. I had a few moments of pure honesty during this time but they were met with shock and quiet shuffling by some leadership in my life that kept me in my second class Christian place. I learned in church, honesty was no more appreciated than it was in the world. So in the box I stayed and the darkness lurked and the vultures called to me.

In 2011 my entire world was turned upside down by the diagnosis and subsequent death in matter of months of my husband to cancer. I was once again alone and without the person I had molded my life around. See the truth was that even as a believer I still tried to be what I thought others wanted me to be. At the time of his death I was in a church that accepted my past so that allowed me some relief from the fear that still stalked my soul. But truth was I still had this darkness that lurked in the corners of my mind and I had never fully dealt with it. I simply medicated it with trying to be the perfect wife and Christian and now that had disappeared. My husband was dead and I failed to pray him well so I had failed on both counts. In less than a year I lost my husband, my home and most of my material possessions. I was dependent on my children and my church family. I was adrift and realized a lot of my “faith” had been placed in the things and the people around me and not in God. I loved God with all my heart but truthfully I still didn’t trust Him to really love all of me. When I stumbled (their definition not mine) out of loneliness, I was lovely sent to deliverance and instructed that I was a valuable asset to the organization BUT my behavior would have to get in line. I was instructed by my then spiritual authority to put both feet back into the work of the church. There was work to do and so in my mind I had no time to finish grieving or deal with the darkness that still haunted me. The funny thing is that the enemy of our soul will always strike when we are at our lowest and frankly I believe with all my heart that God allowed it to strike at this time because the only one who was believing the lie about my fabulous Christian walk was myself. The time had come for me to climb out of another box! I truly felt like God put a boot in my a** and made me deal cause I did not volunteer to do it I assure you! LOL

So since 2011 instead of dealing with the darkness in my usual way I choose to honor the deal I had struck with God back in 2004, when the darkness tried to creep in, I surrendered. When life overwhelmed me, I surrendered. When the desert floor called and the vultures heckled me... I believed in something and got up! I have been out of “organized religion” since 2012 because as I began to walk out of the fog of grief and fear I realized I had put my trust in people and in a man made thing called church and not in God. The darkness that haunted me was brought to light and you know how darkness hates light! I have accepted that at this point in my life I have no box in which to climb into. I am not the person I was before God, but I am not the perfect church lady/mother/wife I was for 6 years either. I don’t fit in the boxes of my past even though I tried a few times to crawl back to some them I knew would kill me. God in His infinite grace was standing in the way each time I looked at the desert floor. I have people who have earned my trust that I go to for guidance and prayer but at this stage I am a little scared of anything that remotely resembles a box... just sayin!

So what does this have to do with a Metal Show and the song quote from earlier? The answer is this, the darkness that once haunted me was simply my fear of finding out who I really am and my willingness to accept all of me. The darkness held the false fear the enemy instilled in me a long time ago that there was nothing in me God could love.... LIAR LIAR LIAR! I finally got up from the desert floor and decided to live...to live a life that for the first time ever is as real as I have ever lived. The real me who loves metal and does not always follow the “rules.” The real me who loves God but who does not fit neatly into that box most call church, I call it religious tradition. The real me who for the first time can accept the good and different that is me. The me that has a someone in her life who doesn’t have a box for her to climb into... that by the way is something I at first found very hard to do even on my best day. I used to hate the statement, “No expectations” but now I find it somewhat comforting. I know I am part of his life because he chooses for me to be and not because he expects something from me. For the first time in my life I only have me and God to blame for the me I am today (yes I said blame God, get your panties out of a twist). Each day I make the choice to get up from the desert floor or lay there with the vultures and the past. Every day that I choose to get up I know God smiles because unlike men’s grace, God’s grace is new every day! And most importantly each day that I get up I choose to give myself grace.

Do I still have boxes I need to get out of? Yep! I didn't get here overnight so I am still and may always be a work in progress. But today I am okay with who I am, what I am and where I am on this road we call life. I am a metal loving ole girl who is enjoying living a very different life than I have ever lived. My motto in life is no matter what take each day as it comes and ROCK ON!

My testimony link as promised... http://youtu.be/mmZVeZvdU8c

Live Like You Were Dying

     Live Like You Were Dying, a very tender and wonderful song by Tim McGraw caused some reflection and tears today. Funny how life happens, just when you think you have it all figured out something from deep within rises up and says there is still more to learn... to let go of... to do.   Do we really have a clue how much we leave unsaid or undone?  If we were to die tomorrow what a sad and horrible thing it would be if we went without saying or doing something that might have changed us, our loved ones and others around us. Do we really understand the simple joy in living each day to the fullest... would we be shocked at the regrets we might have as we stood in eternity and looked back and see the things we missed. I can say as of today I would carry many regrets, I would like to say that starting tomorrow I would work at not adding anymore to the long list I already have. Truthfully I will probably add a few more to the list before I die... but starting today I truly want to make a conscious effort to live like I was dying.

     In 2011 I watched someone whom I loved dearly die a horrible death. He and the rest of the family, me included were so focused on the disease we missed the chance to simply live... it is one of my biggest regrets.  We were so focused on chasing a cure so we would have a tomorrow with him we completely missed 5 months and 8 days of today's that we could have made special for him and ourselves. We became so entrenched in the dying process that after he passed many of us forgot how to simply live again.  I can’t and won’t speak for the rest of those who loved him and were by his side during his illness and death, but I can and will speak for myself.  I was so wrapped up in being the most informed wife about the devil called cancer I forgot I had a husband who needed reassurance he was still loved by his wife even in his fragile and unmanly state.  He needed to hear I adored him and he needed to hear less from me of what he needed to do to get better.  He needed to hear that I still thought he was attractive to me even in the mist of having to clean him and change him.  He needed to simply hear me laugh and giggle when he made a funny face and not  see my scowling face that he was not taking serious what I was trying to get him to understand at that moment.

    I needed to simply enjoy the vegetables that were growing in my garden instead of moaning that others had to do the work for me.  I should have wanted to live more and love harder instead of shutting off all feeling and thought of life that awful day I heard the words incurable cancer.  I should have enjoyed the short lived coming together of both our families instead of saying I told you so when they disappeared and regretted how easily I shut them out after he died. I should have made an effort to be gentle in spirit instead of trying to explain to God the flaw in the plan he had for us.  I shut down on April 19, 2011 and it took almost 2 years for me to even feel anything but anger and hurt.  On the rare occasion that I allowed myself to feel anything, I spent days and weeks punishing myself for feeling.  I ceased to be I ceased to live I ceased to love anyone or anything, especially myself.

     Over the last year I have learned to live again through gridded teeth and with many setbacks.  I have learned to love and trust again, but the road was very rough on me and those around me because I fought it every step of the way. I have only recently accepted that living is for the living and that I have a choice each day to love those around me whole heartedly without fear. We are not promised tomorrow, we only have today and we must choose not to miss the joy of this day worrying about what may happen tomorrow.  I have lost many people whom I considered family and friends; I have been blessed with new people and family since then.  I have spent close to a year being so fearful of what the future would hold in my new relationship I missed many today's and the joy they could have brought simply because of fear.  People come and go in our lives and truthfully we have no guarantee they will be with us tomorrow. But we must be willing to live in today, be willing to risk the pain of tomorrow to truly understand and enjoy this wonderful thing we call life.  

     Is there anything you would regret if tomorrow was your last day? Don’t waste this day, tell the ones you love just how much you love them, be brave and try that one thing you always wanted to try... Live today as if you dying, the reward will be life and life lived to the fullest!

                

Who Am I or Rants of a Frustrated Christian Woman!

The song, Who Am I, by Casting Crowns is one of my favorites!  Recently however a book I am reading for a class,  (Courage & Calling by Gordon  T. Smith) is challenging what I believe about God, myself and what I am called to do.  Smith says, “To live in truth, we must be true to who we are.  But this is not possible unless we know who we are: how God has made us, how we are unique, how God has enabled us to serve him in the church and in the world.” (p. 54-55) And there is where the problem starts for me, over the last 2 years the entire life I thought I was going to have and was created to live was shredded and strip away from me.  I was going to be the wife of my loving husband until I died, instead he died in 2011,and I became a widow at the tender age of 48. I was going to live out my days in rural TN growing my heirloom vegetables making a little money and continue to work as a volunteer at my church. I was going to grow old watching my grandchildren run across the field behind my house laughing, growing and multiplying.  Instead I lost my home and was left with a broken down car, no money and no hope...  I was I was I was, until it was no more.  

 Now in the last 2 years as I have tried to start over (and over and over) I find that most days I feel I am coming up against a brick wall in all areas of my life.  With every step I take I feel that I am being pushed back or pushed away... in my work and career goals, in my personal relationships and even in my spiritual life.  I am confused and quite frankly WORE OUT!  I feel the root of the problem is that I no longer know who I am and as I seek validation from others around me, through work and from God it fails and fails miserable at times.  Now understand I know my value and validation  must come from God, but we must get out of the bubble of not taking other things in the natural world around us into consideration.  We draw and surround ourselves with people, places and things that reflect where we are, where we want to go or what we think we deserve.  The days of Polly Anna Christianity are over for me, I have begun to seriously look at the Jesus I believed in and sadly have come to the conclusion I believed what I was taught and not necessarily what I knew personally for myself.  Which brings me back to the realization that I have no clue who I am because I have no clue about the purpose I was created for.  Who am I? Why am I? Where am I? What am I? The defenses I used in the past to buck up, pull myself up, grin and bear it no longer work, another thing that was stripped from me in this process.  My formulas of coping are also gone, my resolve to get it done and go on are gone... so once again  WHO THE HELL AM I?   A few weeks ago I woke to the realization I am in this mess and I was not pleased by this revelation in anyway.  But then again maybe I am at least relieved that at least I know the problem to why I have felt my whole life was going to hell in a hand basket (yes I used that silly old phrase.... it so applies here) and I was helpless to change the direction.

This is what I do know at this point, I am not satisfied  with my current life... I am adrift, I am without a stable environment and I am not happy about it.  I do not have any dreams for my future and I have no clue where to start dreaming again.... the words “Holy discomfort” comes to mind and that is not making me any happier.  I know that I am in the mist of several things I started while in a coma of simply existing and not living, which means how do I trust any of it is real or actually for me.  The word says in Jeremiah 29:11, “For I know the plans I have for you,” says the Lord. “They are plans for good and not for disaster, to give you a future and a hope.”"  Okay great... but some direction at this point or at least a clue would be helpful.  I so want to know who I am, where I am going and my true calling and purpose in life, I crave it above all things at this point.  I want to live a life of fulfillment and joy; I want to bring something to the table to share with my family, the people I love and to those who You could use me to help.  In prayer I hear wait and trust, and others have confirmed that, but hey is it so wrong to want some direction from on High and some sign that I am at least headed in the right direction or some red flags that I am not ( at this point BIG RED FLAGS)?  Job says, “though He slay me yet I will trust Him” but let me tell you, I have been slayed and waylaid in every area of my life recently and trust is a dicey deal for me right now.... just keeping it real.  I don’t want to sound hopeless or helpless, I am just  in short supply of  said hope and feeling able, very  frustrated and confused!   What many around me and myself as well have failed to acknowledge is that the one thing God created me to be is a woman, and as a woman I know He for some strange reason created us to crave and flourish in stability and safety and that is in short supply in my life at the moment, hence the frustration with those little words, trust and wait!  So God as I end this somewhat rant against Your all-knowing Self, can I say I am trying and willing to move as You direct, but as a woman can I get that map in writing... You wired me that way just saying!  

Something Beautiful

Something Beautiful is a song by Need to Breath.... and as I sat listening to it this morning, I realized that  although the last 22 mths of my life by most people’s standards has been filled with an enormous amount of ugliness, loss and pain... the cancer diagnoses of my husband in April 2011, the 5 mths and 8 days that he struggled so horribly until he went home to be the Lord on September 29, 2011,  the loss of my home,  the loss of every material thing that I thought I could not live without, the loss of my life as I knew it... but sitting here in this moment I can look back and see God’s BEAUTIFUL hand on me in the mist of the pain and devastation.  In the family that came together and gave their support, time and love even when they did not always agree with how I handled some things, who stayed by my side during Bobby’s illness and even though many of us don’t talk anymore, I will always carry the memory of their support and love in my heart... the Beautiful.  In the many people who helped with their time and money, some of which are no longer in my life, I carry the memory of their unwavering support... The Beautiful.  In the memory of a dear friend who remodeled our bathroom to make it easier for us and who 3 days before Bobby’s passing  found honeysuckle at the end of September  for me so it would be at his bedside when he left this world... The Beautiful.  In the people and family who when I shut everyone out in my pain pushed past the wall I had around my heart and forced me to allow them to love me anyway... The Beautiful.  In my darling children who loved me and  fought me just to keep me willing to live another day on this earth with them.... THE BEAUTIFUL! In the people who when all was lost stepped up and helped me start over with a place to live and a fresh start in a new town... The Beautiful. In the God who would not allow me to lay down and held me in the night when I could feel nothing but pain and anger... OH THE BEAUTIFUL! 

As I started to try and  live again, I was scared and suspicious of everyone and everything... fear of the unknown, fear of being alone, fear of love, fear of happiness and some days just breathing.... but in the mist of that The Beautiful was there.  In the quiet moments of the night, when no one really  knew how terrified I was of living... THE BEAUTIFUL was there to hold me.   In the silly, loving and compassionate face of  a new friend... I see the BEAUTIFUL.  In the smile of my granddaughters... I see the BEAUTIFUL. In the continuing care and love of my darling children... I see THE BEAUTIFUL shining through.  In the mirror on the days I don’t feel pretty or worthy , The Beautiful stares back at me and says... “you made it, you are worthy, you have a hope and a future”.... and in that moment I realize, the BEAUTIFUL lives inside of me and will never forsake me no matter the situation, pain or even the mistakes I will make along the way.... NOW THAT IS SOMETHING BEAUTIFUL!

The Lie...

I am not sure where this blog will go or the point of it at all, but I had a profound revelation this evening about myself and I need to put it to paper.  18 months ago my husband was diagnosed with incurable lung cancer that was already in stage 4 when it was found... of course as believers we went into overdrive declaring, believing, praying  for healing and doing everything medically we could do to save him... to no avail. He died 5 months and 8 days from the day we heard the word cancer for the first time.

When we first found out my reaction was anger at God, after all we were good Christians who were faithful to our congregation, I was actively involved in several ministries, he was a tender man who would pray for anyone and everyone,  a good Christian husband, brother and son, father and stepfather, we were doing all the right things right.  I was overwhelmed with  guilt... had I failed as his wife to keep him covered in prayer enough, why had I, the woman who could get a thus sayeth for others missed the fact that my own husband had cancer for over a year and I never “heard” a word about it? As we fought the good fight in the beginning of this journey  when I was not wallowing in guilt I was angry at God and then at my husband  as well... why was he going downhill so fast GOD, why are You not healing him... where was his faith, why weren’t my prayers being answered?  WHY GOD WHY was this happening to us. I kept up the appearance for everyone especially my husband of being  strong and handling it all.  I waved the flag of faith over everything I did, I prayed and I spoke all the right words. I gave my husband pep talks that bored on bullying at times about how his healing was his for the asking.  I would not allow anyone  but me to care for him... I kept up with medicines, doctor visits, midnight bathroom runs, cleaning and cooking,  comforting him,  comforting family members, listening to kids and others bemoan this horrible thing, all the while I was dying inside... but never the less I pressed on. I did it  all up until the last hospital visit when the doctors very clearly and bluntly said he only had weeks to live  and then I grudgingly allowed others to help, not because I wanted to but because I could not lift or tend to a 6 foot 200 pound paralyzed man by myself.

When he died I shut everyone out, I put on my good Christian woman face and I walked around like I had the 5 months before,  I jumped back into service at church, I pressed forward, I said all the right things about the glorious future that God had planned for me,  but the truth under that mask was ugly.  I was angry at God, my husband and everyone I came in contact with, I resented God for not healing my husband, I was mad at my husband for not having faith and fighting to live, I resented other their grief and their attempts to comfort me. How could they understand what it felt like to be me.  I had lost not only my husband, but also  my home, my way of life and everything I held dear. The day my house closed I was handed a check for $68.41 and I thought, God is that all 6 years of my life was worth.  But once again I put on the mask and I pressed on.  I opened a door that day to move on with my life and set myself up for another fall... the problem was I still had not dealt with the one thing that was dogging me and the sad thing is until today I had no clue it was there.... I believed with everything with in me that I was the cause and the reason my life as I knew it was over, I believed that I was the reason my husband was dead. I have carried that with me into everything I have touched and done since that horrible  day we heard the word cancer. I have stumbled into and out of  a few people’s lives and I wondered why I always felt inadequate and unwanted around them after a time, I set people up to fail me, because I was walking out a self-fulfilling prophecy that I was a failure and unworthy. I had stepped upon a path of self-destruction and did not even tell myself. 18 mths ago I declared myself a failure and unworthy and I have walked in that lie and let it operate in every area of my life since then. It has caused me great pain,  it has caused people to distance themselves from me, because I was trying to find my worthiness in their approval of me and it has caused me to push people away all the while leaving me wondering why.  I still don’t have the answers to why all this happened, I may never know. I don’t  know why this all finally came to light now but I do know this... I am going to get better, I am going to be whole and I am going to be happy again... I deserve it and I am worthy. 

A Picture of my life...

If you could take a picture of things that represent your life what would it look like... here is mine.

Each item in this picture represents the important things in my life... they speak of me without a word being spoken... they represent my past, my now and my future, my hopes and my legacy....

The shofar is a symbol of my desire to see a sound released over NE Arkansas, West TN and SE MO that will break the bondage's that have entrapped the people and the land of this region...I had the privilege of driving from 2008 to 2010 each month through these areas. God sent some wonderful people to speak into my life in July 2008 at the same time He provided me a job that payed me to drive from Ripley TN to Blytheville, AR (my home town)... I got paid to do a prayer drive each month... NOW THAT WAS A GOD THING!  I wandered all over the bootheel of  Missouri, NE Arkansas and what I call the Hwy 51 area of West TN and even out a little farther... it was one of the most amazing times in my life.  I thought when the job ended my assignment had ended.  I was wrong, God had simply put me on an extended leave as I dealt with the illness and the going home of my husband.  Recently HE has reignited the fire in my heart to see this region become all that it is meant to be... SOUND THE ALARM...AWAKEN THE WATCHMEN!!!! 

The Scarves are prophetically dyed scarves from dyed4you  and often are with me when I take my shofar to a service or on a prayer assignment. The first scarf is called Redeemed (on the right in the picture), it was literally purchased without me releasing any information to dyed4you about me.  Allowing them to design what they felt the Lord said to them ...  and this what they came up with:  the colors & what they represent - Fuchsia - passion, Storm - cleansing, Cranberry - worth the ultimate price, Burgundy - bought with a price!  I am passionate about what moves my heart, I am an all or nothing kind of girl... If I am in I am all in, if I love, I love with all of me... the rest is related to my testimony!  You can go here to listen to my testimony and you will understand how well Meghan and her team hear from God.  I received Redeemed just a few weeks before my husband was diagnosed with lung cancer. It represents who I am in the eyes of God and was something tangible for me to hold onto during the hardest days of my life. The second scarf, is called Comfort,  colors & what they represent - Purple - The Promises of God, Dusty Rose - Peace: the Father's care over His children, White - Purity.  I ordered this specific scarf the day they sent my husband home from the hospital with hospice and told us he had only a few weeks at best to live (he died 2 weeks to the day we left the hospital).  I ordered it to wear at his funeral, it arrived 10 days after the funeral... it represents God's complete attention to every detail of my life... HE wanted me to always see this scarf as a representation of  His love for me and that HE was and will always be my Comforter, and not as a reminder of a funeral... each breath I take is monitored by HIM. 

The oil is from   Abba Anointing Oil  it is called Cassia, - In the spiritual sense, cassia speaks of humility, being stripped of pride, set apart (holy) with a servant's heart.  It represents the process I have been through in the last 17 months of my life. I have been stripped of everything I thought I could not live without... my husband, my home, my hopes and dreams, my pride.... I was crushed and broken, yet HE has healed me and made me whole... now HE  is pouring the anointing into me that HE can use for HIS purpose.  It is an ongoing process.... I humbly submit daily to His love and adjustments of me.

The small  picture on the left  just behind the shofar is of the four most beautiful people in the world to me, my children Elliott, Jennifer, Michael and Jessica, they represent the best of who I am.  Each one is very unique and wonderfully made.  They have been thru a lot with me in the days of my craziness but God gave me the chance to redeem my relationship with each of them.  He also gave me a promise regarding them, in the upper left hand corner of the picture is the word sanctuary... one of the meaning of the word is:  A sacred and inviolable asylum; a place of refuge and protection; shelter; refuge; protection.


The ladybug pin in front of the shofar  and the ultrasound picture on the right represent the 2nd generation of my legacy.... My Granddaughters, Lilly Grace (called Lilly Bug) and Sydney Lynn who was my firstborn grandbaby! My goal is to live each day of my life as well as I can so that they and all my grandbabies yet to come will bear the fruit of what God is doing in my life long after I am gone...  They are my blessings on legs, the bright stars in my dark nights and gifts beyond compare.  They are the reason on the days I get it all wrong, that I get back up and try harder the next day!


The last thing in this picture represents my future... The painting is by a dear sweet girl by the name of Jeanne Nelson.  I fell in love with this cabin in the woods a few years ago, but it is only recently I understood why.   It represents my future place of sanctuary, my dream home in my old age, a place of peace and of fulfillment. It speaks to my hope that one day I will again have a place to call home a place where someone will hold me tight when I need to cry, will be there to hold my hand in my old age and love me as Christ loves me. It is hidden away from the world and yet appears to me to be the safest place on earth, a place I will be happy and safe til I take my last breath and finally see my Jesus...

So that is what the picture of my life means to me... what does yours say about you?  I pray if you don't have a picture of your life in your mind, you seek the one who can help you find it... Jesus.

Where did you lose your KEYS?

This morning as I was walking I came up with the brilliant plan to stick my car key under my arm band that was holding my phone, thinking if my keys fell I would feel them or hear them.  LOL... you know how that worked, right! As I finished my second mile I realized I had lost them.  I was dumbfounded for a minute then I was a little panic stricken, then I realized where they probably fell... on that little hill I like to jog up. The problem is the little hill was at least 2/3 of a mile away which meant I had to walk ALL the way around to that place to see if in fact they were there.  I of course looked on my way there and I kept saying God where are those keys... my spirit answered, you know exactly where they are.  I was a little frustrated I could not just snap my fingers and be there, but I figured since I had to re-walk the path I might as well  use it usefully, so I started praying....

God started whispering,  Nora sometimes you get so caught up in the moment or things around you , that  you don’t realize you have dropped your keys... you are wide open and it is only when you get to a place of needing those keys do you realize that you are trying to operate without a very important thing... Just like you have been operating the last few weeks without Me.  Just like you have to walk around this path again to find the exact place you lost the keys, I had to walk you around the path to the place of where you dropped Me off.  I need you to understand where you dropped ME off & why you dropped ME off.

We like to holler OH God where are You, OH GOD why did YOU  leave me when things get tough or the enemy is in our face laughing at us as we are stumbling the path blindly.  But the truth is we are the ones who leave HIM on the side of the path when it isn't convenient having Holy Spirit in our ear going... no that is not a wise choice.  We may not even notice the first lap or two, then there comes a moment when you realize you are not hearing HIM as you have, you are not at peace about anything and every little wind that blows scares you.  You can’t see people the way HE sees them, you view them thru your mistrust or need, you question their motives, your motives and you have no way of seeing the truth, because chaos is the enemies best friend.  We will realize where we let go of HIS hand and then in our selfishness we ask GOD to just transport us  to that moment and just start from there, but alas there is a process. That process is meant to teach us something so that maybe we won’t take one more lap without HIM.  I experienced that in the last few days. 

Two things I learned through this, I still feel the  need for others approval and I see myself as alone and in need... OUCH!  Correction is a hard thing, and it hurts, but the peace that comes with it is so past any words I can put to paper... here is the truth HE gave me.... I am accepted in the Beloved even when I miss it, I am chased daily with a love that surpasses all understanding, I am not alone, I never have been... My DADDY GOD has been there thru it all!  I am a blessed daughter of the MOST HIGH GOD!  Thank YOU FATHER GOD for YOUR forgiveness, grace and love!!!!

My beloved spoke and said to me,

"Arise, my darling,

my beautiful one, come with me. See! The winter is past;

the rains are over and gone. Flowers appear on the earth;

the season of singing has come,

the cooing of doves

is heard in our land. The fig tree forms its early fruit;

the blossoming vines spread their fragrance.

Arise, come, my darling;

my beautiful one, come with me." (Song of Solomon 2:10-13 NIV)