Today as I sat here looking out the patio door for hours I
realized that while I have come a long way in finding myself, I still have some
things that need to be dealt with. Now the title of this blog may seem silly
for some but it really isn't... all of these things are me!
Rainy days seem to bring on a melancholy sort of feeling but
if I focus there comes a moment when my mind clears and things start to connect
and make sense. Random things start to
line up and I see the pattern. I get
still and in front of God and he does the math for me and shows me things I
missed.
Chili at 10:30 in the morning is me saying I know what I
want and although it is not the “norm” I am learning to follow my heart and
just allow myself to be different.
Fear has been my constant companion for most of my
life. I have dealt with it in some areas
but until recently I was unable to put my finger on the root of it. In the last
few days I finally see that at the end of the day, I have spent most of my life
believing I was not good enough, unwanted and unloved. That fear led me down the road to fear of abandonment,
fear of failure, fear of what others thought and in the end the greatest fear
of not being accepted for who I really am warts and all!
I recently finished a Bible Study about fear and one of the assignments
was to pinpoint a specific fear and see what the Word has to say about it. I did not complete the assignment, until
today. The study is over but at the time
it was due I simply could not see my fear as anything other than a tangled
mess. I have been working hard over the
last few years to really figure out who I was, find my own voice and learning
to be comfortable in my own skin. But in
the back of my mind the closer I get to being the real me there is this sense of
dread... this overwhelming feeling at times that in becoming the real me I
will lose the people I love. I know for
my own sanity I must find me and become whole but the fear of rejection,
unworthiness and failure keep telling me it is not worth the risk.
Today is my
D-Day in understanding that my fear is driven by my need to be accepted and
included.
News flash#1 - I have changed a lot in the last few years
and many people have had a hard time accepting the new me. Who you knew before was a product of my environment
and my desire to belong, partly conforming to those around me so I
would not be rejected. You only saw the parts I wanted you to see. I appeared
to be out there and public... constant movement and endless chatter is a great
mask to cover up the pain and uncertainty that was running through my veins. Being
large and in charge was my way of controlling things to keep that pain and fear
at bay.
News Flash #2 – I am more the real me today than I have ever
been in my life. I am learning that the real who I am will never please everyone but
at the end of the day if I can learn to accept myself that is what matters
most. I am a work in progress and God is
working on me daily. It may appear to some that my life is a hot mess, but
truthfully I have more peace and understanding about whom I am, what I am called
to be and hope for my future today than I ever did in the past.
So back to rainy days, chili and fear.... the sun has
started to peek through, the chili was good and did not give me heartburn and
fear lost one more link it’s chain today.... Life, love and happiness is found
in the ever day... look for it!
