I used to blog on a semi-regular basis but I noticed today the last blog I did was March 9, 2011. In that moment a rush of memories and emotions overwhelmed me. So much has changed since that day… on April 19, 2011 these words stop my life as I knew it…
“Mrs. Ammons your husband’s MRI showed a lesion on the bone in his upper right arm, he needs to see your primary care physician first thing in the morning and Mrs. Ammons please immobilize his arm as it is very fragile and the slightest bump could break it. I never planned to ever blog about this… but my spirit says the time is now… there may be some who this blog will upset (not my intent and I am sorry), make angry or even cause some to say I am a liar simply seeking attention. To those who will say what they say... I say this, if me baring my soul helps just one person, then it will be worth the scorn you may heap on me. If it upsets you because of your love for Bobby, our pain is temporary but we have an obligation to not let his death be in vain. We need to share with all who he was and why we loved him! This will be the first in a series of blogs that will deal with how I am learning to live after the death of my husband and the lessons God taught me while dealing with cancer even though I did not know it at the time.
Lesion is a nice euphemism for tumor… a tumor that turned out to be lung cancer that had moved from my husbands’ lung into his bones. Over the next 5 1/2 months we learned all kinds of new medical terms, we learned about chemo drugs & radiation about how much pain a human body can handle and finally we learned what happens when the body can no longer handle the pain or fight the evil we call cancer. My darling husband and I fought the good fight… we prayed and we believed for his healing, we followed his doctors’ orders and I and others made him miserable changing everything in his life trying desperately to find the right combination of food, faith and treatments to stop his cancer… it all failed. Somewhere along the way I stopped feeling, I stopped thinking and I simply stopped being me. Cancer became my normal, watching my husband suffer in pain and react to his meds was how I filled my days. I became a caregiver to the person I loved the most on this earth, yet I felt as helpless as I believe a person can as I realized I could not stop his cancer and more ill he became the more emotionless I got. I stopped feeling, I stopped thinking and at times I felt as if I stopped breathing…. Yet my body kept moving. I just did what I thought was best to do… somewhere along the way I started thinking if I was the best nurse maid, wife or whatever my title of the day was it would fix “it” and I could get my husband back.
But nothing worked… the moment he took his last breath I felt as if I had failed on a level that there would be no going back to life for me. I never felt as worthless in my life as I did in that moment… I had failed I had not done it right… cause if I had he would have survived his dance with the demon we call cancer. I made sure his funeral was just as he wanted, I did my duty and shook hands with people and said all the right things, I hope as I don’t remember most of it. The body kept moving the mind and the feeling part of me stayed frozen and for a while I thought I would stay that way for the rest of my life, part of me actually prayed I would stay numb as the thought of feeling frightened me. I was sure at the time if all that hurt ever came out it would overwhelm and destroy me.
But God had other plans and over the last few weeks I have felt angry, heartbroken, numb, hurt and loved sometimes all in one day. When the feelings first began to come back the stronger emotions had control… anger and hurt. I wanted to break something, cuss God (yes I said this out loud… He knew how I felt it didn’t shock Him in the least) or anyone who crossed my path. I lashed out at those deserving of it and sometimes those who didn’t. I floated thru for the first few weeks as I was able to hide away, and honestly since most people have no clue what to say to a woman who has lost her man, they tend to let one hibernate. As I was forced to deal with the “real” world, I soon realized God was not going to let me continue the angry wounded animal thing much longer.
I will admit God is way sneakier than I gave Him credit for … in the beginning He asked me to release the anger and offense I had with others. That was the easy part; I know what the Bible says about offense so I knew that my offense and anger with Him and others would stand in the way of my relationship with Him. I struggled a little but once the Great I AM… points His finger at an issue in my life I don’t usually fight it too much. In the writing of this first blog since my husband’s illness and death He just pointed to another area that is in need of work… my offense with myself. My husband did not survive lung cancer, I don’t know why. Depending on your theological bent you may have a possible explanation and truthfully even my own theology does not line up with what happened. But the one thing I do know is the word says, we know in part, we see in part… so we will see what the next part brings as I tackle this next stage in my grief and healing.
