O Ye of little faith...

In my last blog I wondered aloud if we “the saints of God”  stuff some of our emotions as we are afraid they will reflect badly on God.  Now I am sure there were a few of you solid to the core and steadfast saints who were thinking…”no she is worried it will reflect badly on her, and she should not be blaming God for her immaturity... O Ye of little faith”.  Not to worry I was not offended by your silence,  I hope you were not offended by my thinking out loud.  I have tossed this idea around for a few days and I am still wondering if we are doing ourselves and others in the body  of Christ a disservice by not dealing with this issue more openly.  I by no means want to imply I have a solution to this enormous problem but maybe if just a few of us “saints” admitted aloud this simply truth... our heart, mind and spirit don’t always line up at the same time every time something bad happens in our world and sing hallelujah... maybe we could spare a few new believers  some unnecessary  pain and condemnation.  Being a woman who was never afraid of causing drama in her past  (rather enjoyed it at times to be honest) I am going to blog about this a little more so here are a few of my thoughts on the subject. The one verse I have most often pondered on in the last 8 months is  Job 13:15

“ Though He slay me, I will hope in Him. Nevertheless I will argue my ways before Him.”

 We who have been around the “church” for more than a minute have heard this great statement of faith. We mutter it under our breath in our moments of personal disaster, we chant it as if the longer we say it, we will instantly feel the same way (a poof of insta faith for you and me), we even use it as some kind of  prayer when dealing with difficult people.  But do we really have a true concept of what suffering is on the level of what Job experienced?  I don’t believe until you have experienced the loss of a child or a  beloved spouse do you even come close to understanding his anguish,  loss of this kind is the most personal of losses.  I  also believe we miss a BIG step in the process  of how Job went from his loss to the  moment of being able to utter this great statement of absolute faith and hope in God.  The first 11 or so chapters of Job consist of God giving Job over to the devil for testing, Job’s loss, his despair, depression, questions of why God why and his loving friends explaining to him how he somehow must have brought this on himself.   It isn’t until we get to Chapter 12 that Job really starts coming to a place of understanding that God is still God and finally in Chapter 13 he is able to declare in the mist of his disaster his faith and hope in this God who has let the devil have his way with him. Go read it for yourself… I personally was blown away.  If  Job took a few days or 13 Chapters to get to this place why are we as the body of Christ afraid to admit even for a second we have moments where we like Job say: 

For what I fear comes upon me, And what I dread befalls me. “I am not at ease, nor am I quiet, And I am not at rest, but turmoil comes.” (Job 3:25-26)

“Therefore I will not restrain my mouth; I will speak in the anguish of my spirit, I will complain in the bitterness of my soul. (Job7:11)

“Have I sinned? What have I done to You, O watcher of men? Why have You set me as Your target,

So that I am a burden to myself? (Job 7:20)

I want to think I am special and one of a kind, but even my ego is not big enough to think that I am the only one who has felt  this way.  I know I am not the first women who has lost her husband in the prime of their lives and didn’t lay down and say okay God now what; and EXCUSE ME, but don’t You think this is just a bit unfair!  Does this make me an immature believer?  A faithless child of God? A backslider?  Or a threat to the body of Christ in general?  No I think it shows I am just what I am… a woman who loved her husband and misses him. I heard something shortly after losing my husband… “what do you do when your circumstances do not line up  with your theology? You need to stop asking God why and start asking where is He in your circumstance.”  I think this is what Job did and I think it is what I am doing as strange as it may appear to some.   I am not afraid to ask why or where, no more than I believe HE is afraid of the question.  I like Job have come to a place of trusting that though HE may slay me I will trust HIM, the GREAT I AM. HE  is big enough to handle my hurt and love me (and not slay me)  just as I am even when I dare question HIM. I am thinking ole Job knew that as well!  I think that we as the body in general may fear such honest questioning of God because we don’t have the answers in the natural to fix such anguish.  We on some level are still unable to wrap our finite minds around an  infinite God that can handle not only the questions, the anguish, and the feeling of betrayal yet still be able and willing to love and heal that very anguish and then use that same child to pass the lesson on to others just as He used Job to pass it on to us!

Things that make me go………. HMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM! 

There are going to be bad days!

There  are going to be bad days… there is no other way to say it.  One thing I have learned in dealing with cancer and losing my husband is that there are going to be bad days.  I had one of those days today… I have lost a lot in the last year and it appears that the loses are not done just yet.  I have spewed my emotional hurt and ugliness all over fb and then I tried to turn it into some type of lesson for others to learn from. But the simple truth is… I had a bad day.  Grief is funny like that it will not fit into a neat little time frame, a certain outline or even into one’s own theology at times.  It just is what it is… unreasonable pain because of the loss of a loved one.  In my case the loss of my soul mate and the gentlest / strongest man I ever met.   I have many issues in my life at the moment I have no control of  and the one person who I always depended on to help me walk through the unknown with is now gone and I feel so alone.  I call around looking for answers from friends and family, yet none of the answers I hear satisfy the hole in my heart… because it is not what I am really looking for.  What I am looking for I can longer have on this earth… his laugh to ease my way, his smile to tell me even in messes of my own creation I am loved, his hand to hold in the dark that reassures me even when it appears the whole world has gone to hell in a hand basket I am not alone.  I heard something earlier this evening that messed with my own theology… “give it to God be quiet and wait for Him to move.” Sound advice… advice I have given in the past, but here is the dilemma… I am a wounded woman who has just lost her husband and I have forgotten temporary how to trust.  Grief will do that to you… many a mature saint may never admit it but I can’t believe I am the only woman who has ever yelled her feeling of betrayal out to God after the loss of her husband way sooner than she had planned.  I have lost my place in this world… I am no longer his wife, I am now his widow… but each morning I wake still feeling as if I am a wife yet the man I want to be a wife to is now in Heaven and my heart breaks a new.  I fully expected to grow old with my Bobby…not grow old missing him.  We were supposed to grow old together, so old that one day the kids would have to take us out on our annual fishing trip to Natchez Trace.  Now I feel as if I will never be able to go fishing again for fear of the pain of missing him it will bring. All the assurances of it will be okay, it will get better don’t always penetrate the fog of pain that surrounds my heart. Did I mention there are going to be bad days. There are no words to wrap around how it feels… each person is different in how they deal with their grief; but I am going to bet even the most mature of the mature saints have bad days.  Sadly I wonder if we are so afraid it will reflect badly on God that we just stuff it instead of owning it for what it is.  Funny thing is the Word clearly says… there will be trials and tribulations… so where is the line between just spewing and being honest about our emotions?  I am trying to find the line even in the mist of the bad days…. I still have a deep desire to know I am not too far away from my Father’s will for my life even on the days I am not sure how much I trust Him.  Maybe just maybe the admitting of my lack will help me better see the way in this new season of my life!  My heart doesn’t understand… but my spirit still cries out to trust You Lord! 

Life as I know it...

I used to blog on a semi-regular basis but I noticed today the last blog I did was March 9, 2011. In that moment a rush of memories and emotions overwhelmed me. So much has changed since that day… on April 19, 2011 these words stop my life as I knew it…

“Mrs. Ammons your husband’s MRI showed a lesion on the bone in his upper right arm, he needs to see your primary care physician first thing in the morning and Mrs. Ammons please immobilize his arm as it is very fragile and the slightest bump could break it. I never planned to ever blog about this… but my spirit says the time is now… there may be some who this blog will upset (not my intent and I am sorry), make angry or even cause some to say I am a liar simply seeking attention. To those who will say what they say... I say this, if me baring my soul helps just one person, then it will be worth the scorn you may heap on me. If it upsets you because of your love for Bobby, our pain is temporary but we have an obligation to not let his death be in vain. We need to share with all who he was and why we loved him! This will be the first in a series of blogs that will deal with how I am learning to live after the death of my husband and the lessons God taught me while dealing with cancer even though I did not know it at the time. 

Lesion is a nice euphemism for tumor… a tumor that turned out to be lung cancer that had moved from my husbands’ lung into his bones. Over the next 5 1/2 months we learned all kinds of new medical terms, we learned about chemo drugs & radiation about how much pain a human body can handle and finally we learned what happens when the body can no longer handle the pain or fight the evil we call cancer. My darling husband and I fought the good fight… we prayed and we believed for his healing, we followed his doctors’ orders and I and others made him miserable changing everything in his life trying desperately to find the right combination of food, faith and treatments to stop his cancer… it all failed. Somewhere along the way I stopped feeling, I stopped thinking and I simply stopped being me. Cancer became my normal, watching my husband suffer in pain and react to his meds was how I filled my days. I became a caregiver to the person I loved the most on this earth, yet I felt as helpless as I believe a person can as I realized I could not stop his cancer and more ill he became the more emotionless I got. I stopped feeling, I stopped thinking and at times I felt as if I stopped breathing…. Yet my body kept moving. I just did what I thought was best to do… somewhere along the way I started thinking if I was the best nurse maid, wife or whatever my title of the day was it would fix “it” and I could get my husband back.

But nothing worked… the moment he took his last breath I felt as if I had failed on a level that there would be no going back to life for me. I never felt as worthless in my life as I did in that moment… I had failed I had not done it right… cause if I had he would have survived his dance with the demon we call cancer. I made sure his funeral was just as he wanted, I did my duty and shook hands with people and said all the right things, I hope as I don’t remember most of it. The body kept moving the mind and the feeling part of me stayed frozen and for a while I thought I would stay that way for the rest of my life, part of me actually prayed I would stay numb as the thought of feeling frightened me. I was sure at the time if all that hurt ever came out it would overwhelm and destroy me. 

But God had other plans and over the last few weeks I have felt angry, heartbroken, numb, hurt and loved sometimes all in one day. When the feelings first began to come back the stronger emotions had control… anger and hurt. I wanted to break something, cuss God (yes I said this out loud… He knew how I felt it didn’t shock Him in the least) or anyone who crossed my path. I lashed out at those deserving of it and sometimes those who didn’t. I floated thru for the first few weeks as I was able to hide away, and honestly since most people have no clue what to say to a woman who has lost her man, they tend to let one hibernate. As I was forced to deal with the “real” world, I soon realized God was not going to let me continue the angry wounded animal thing much longer. 

I will admit God is way sneakier than I gave Him credit for … in the beginning He asked me to release the anger and offense I had with others. That was the easy part; I know what the Bible says about offense so I knew that my offense and anger with Him and others would stand in the way of my relationship with Him. I struggled a little but once the Great I AM… points His finger at an issue in my life I don’t usually fight it too much. In the writing of this first blog since my husband’s illness and death He just pointed to another area that is in need of work… my offense with myself. My husband did not survive lung cancer, I don’t know why. Depending on your theological bent you may have a possible explanation and truthfully even my own theology does not line up with what happened. But the one thing I do know is the word says, we know in part, we see in part… so we will see what the next part brings as I tackle this next stage in my grief and healing.

A Year with God by R.P. Nettelhorst

Daily reading and reflections on God's own words, is an accurate subtitle of this 365 day daily devotion and scripture reading. The book is also a resource for ten specific topics that are relevant in our world today. Filled with God's words as the answer to our problems and issues we face today. I was somewhat surprised that the entire daily readings of Scripture are taken from the Old Testament only. I feel it lacks balance in some areas that are addressed differently under the New Covenant and leaves a reader with more of a legalistic approach to Christianity than the relational aspects of it. Over all an okay devotion if it is used with a daily devotion that also pulls from the New Testament.

Disclosure of Material Connection: I received this book free from the publisher through the BookSneeze®.com book review bloggers program. I was not required to write a positive review. The opinions I have expressed are my own. I am disclosing this in accordance with the Federal Trade Commission's 16 CFR, Part 255 : "Guides Concerning the Use of Endorsements and Testimonials in Advertising."

I have a picture of a beautiful bridge that is called Crossing Over it is a painting by James Nesbit. I bought the picture about two years ago… it appealed to me as I had been told once I would be a bridge to the ones that left and the ones that stayed. At the time I was given this word I was part of a congregation that was having problems and a group of people left who were near and dear to me (and still are) but as time went on I realized there was deeper truth in the word but to be honest until today it has been sitting on the shelf. Let me explain for a moment the privilege I have of being in prayer partnership with people that are part of my home congregation and outside of it also. I have the blessed privilege to be friends with & partner with others in our area that are contending for awakening and revival in our area. It never occurs to me to be the least bit worried that my partnership with these may cause awakening to happen in their congregations before it happens in my home congregation… in fact I pray for it to happen at their place as much as I pray for it to happen in mine. There is something in me that knows this is not divided loyalty but a true heart loyalty to the only “church” that really matters… HIS church, HIS body, HIS people, not the building or group in which they reside!!!! ! I don’t care where revival breaks out in this region… JUST LET IT START SOMEWHERE! Which brings me back to the Bridge.


I got a call this morning from a dear sister in Christ and close friend who is contending for the soul and life of a man who is in the grips of drugs and hopelessness… the hold over his life has caused him such distress he is threatening suicide (as of this writing I have not heard of the out come of the situation so I ask you to continue to pray). Although he loves GOD he is unable to overcome the addiction and fears that have control of his life. He has given up… but there are those who so desire to see him succeed in being who God created him to be, they are bridging the gap for him and standing (or laying down in prayer) on his behalf. This man's struggle is simply a symptoms of the bigger issue in our area. The enemy has us so divided we are not effective in truly helping those around us… we are no more effective helping those we are acquainted with than those we are not. This mans story has so gripped my heart… I don’t know him… never met him, but he is a brother a fellow traveler on this road of life. How many have we lost because we failed to recognize we are to be bridges? We talk a good game about sharing the love of Christ but love is not a feeling love is an action. Love says when no one else will I will. When all have given up I haven’t. Love is being willing to give up your comfortable morning of coffee and facebook to contend in prayer for a complete stranger. Love is not a religious moment of… “Dear Lord you know the need…. if it Your will save this man. Amen let me get back to my life now.” It is laying it down and saying GOD grant him mercy no matter how many times he has failed in the past… Your word says your mercy is new EVERY DAY so grants him mercy today! To quote something I read last night… Pray until! Now hear me… you do not have to be a “called intercessor” to pray these kind of prayers… I had a revelation this morning when someone said yes they would pray with me about this… it was “reasonable service”!!!!! LET ME TELL YOU THIS IS WHAT GOD IS LOOKING FOR… for us to simply do our reasonable service! He did not heal us and make us whole so we could sit around and pat each other on the back and sing the world’s version of kum by ya! He made us whole so we could in turn stand and fight for those still hurting… whether that fight is to break off the strongholds off a region, city or people! We to often stand as watchdogs instead of watchmen… we are so concerned about our family, home and congregations that while we will go thru the religious motions for one such as this our heart is not really invested for fear that God may ask more of us then a simple 5 or 10 minutes of prayer.


We must stop our vain and religious behaviors and contend for the broken people, the broken cities and the broken region we live in… whether your part is to pray for people, places or things…. Regardless of what congregation you are part of… realize that we are only a part of a bigger whole… it is time we stepped up to the plate and gave our reasonable service! There are those who are desperate to Cross Over into the Kingdom…. But can’t find a bridge to use to get there. Are you willing to lay down in the service of the KING OF KING’S for them to use you to do so…. will you lay down your wants needs and desire to be a bridge? Your healing and wholeness is not a prize to sit on the shelf and brag about what GOD has done for you, it is a mighty weapon in the hand of GOD if you will simply be willing! Awakening Revival and Reformation will not come to our region and our country until we get off our blessed assurances and be willing to do whatever it takes to see it happen! GOD is waiting on HIS people to be hungrier for HIM than comfort and compromise!


As a side note… I looked up the words to the song Kumbyya…. I think we totally missed the true meaning to the song! I am now a lover of this song that used to make me cringe… thank YOU FATHER for the daily lessons you teach me! I am humbled by YOUR willingness to love me as I am!


"Kum ba yah" (Come By Here) - is an African-American spiritual song from the 1930s. It enjoyed newfound popularity during the folk revival of the 1960s and became a standard campfire song in Scouting and other nature-oriented organizations.


The song was originally associated with human and spiritual unity, closeness and compassion, and it still is in many places around the world.




Kum by ya my Lord, kum by ya

(Come By Here My Lord come by here)

Kum by ya my Lord, kum by ya

Kum by ya my Lord, kum by ya

Oh, Lord kum by ya.


Someone's laughing, Lord, kum bay ya;

(Someone’s Laughing Lord, come by here)

Someone's laughing, Lord, kum bay ya;

Someone's laughing, Lord, kum bay ya,

O Lord, kum bay ya.


Someone's crying, Lord, kum bay ya;

(Someone’s crying Lord, come by here)

Someone's crying, Lord, kum bay ya;

Someone's crying, Lord, kum bay ya,
O Lord, kum bay ya.


Someone's praying, Lord, kum bay ya;

(Someone’s praying Lord, come by here)

Someone's praying, Lord, kum bay ya;
Someone's praying, Lord, kum bay ya,

O Lord, kum bay ya.


Someone's singing, Lord, kum bay ya;

(Someone’s singing Lord, come by here)

Someone's singing, Lord, kum bay ya;

Someone's singing, Lord, kum bay ya,

O Lord, kum bay ya.


OH LORD HOW FAR WE HAVE GOTTEN OFF TRACK…

COME BY HERE MY LORD COME BY HERE!