Something Beautiful is a song by Need to Breath.... and as I
sat listening to it this morning, I realized that although the last 22 mths of my life by most people’s
standards has been filled with an enormous amount of ugliness, loss and pain...
the cancer diagnoses of my husband in April 2011, the 5 mths and 8 days that he
struggled so horribly until he went home to be the Lord on September 29, 2011, the loss of my home, the loss of every material thing that I thought
I could not live without, the loss of my life as I knew it... but sitting here in
this moment I can look back and see God’s BEAUTIFUL hand on me in the mist of
the pain and devastation. In the family
that came together and gave their support, time and love even when they did not
always agree with how I handled some things, who stayed by my side during Bobby’s illness
and even though many of us don’t talk anymore, I will always carry the memory
of their support and love in my heart... the Beautiful. In the many people who helped with their time
and money, some of which are no longer in my life, I carry the memory of their
unwavering support... The Beautiful. In
the memory of a dear friend who remodeled our bathroom to make it easier for us and who
3 days before Bobby’s passing found
honeysuckle at the end of September for
me so it would be at his bedside when he left this world... The Beautiful. In the people and family who when I shut
everyone out in my pain pushed past the wall I had around my heart and forced
me to allow them to love me anyway... The Beautiful. In my darling children who loved me and fought me just to keep me willing to live
another day on this earth with them.... THE BEAUTIFUL! In the people who when
all was lost stepped up and helped me start over with a place to live and a
fresh start in a new town... The Beautiful. In the God who would not allow me to
lay down and held me in the night when I could feel nothing but pain and
anger... OH THE BEAUTIFUL!
As I started
to try and live again, I was scared and suspicious
of everyone and everything... fear of the unknown, fear of being alone, fear of love, fear of happiness and some days just breathing.... but in the
mist of that The Beautiful was there. In
the quiet moments of the night, when no one really knew how terrified I was of living... THE
BEAUTIFUL was there to hold me. In the silly, loving and compassionate face of
a new friend... I see the BEAUTIFUL. In the smile of my granddaughters... I see the
BEAUTIFUL. In the continuing care and love of my darling children... I see THE
BEAUTIFUL shining through. In the mirror
on the days I don’t feel pretty or worthy , The Beautiful stares back at me and
says... “you made it, you are worthy, you have a hope and a future”.... and in
that moment I realize, the BEAUTIFUL lives inside of me and will never forsake
me no matter the situation, pain or even the mistakes I will make along the
way.... NOW THAT IS SOMETHING BEAUTIFUL!
