Live Like You Were Dying, a very tender and wonderful song
by Tim McGraw caused some reflection and tears today. Funny how life happens,
just when you think you have it all figured out something from deep within
rises up and says there is still more to learn... to let go of... to do. Do we really have a clue how much we leave
unsaid or undone? If we were to die
tomorrow what a sad and horrible thing it would be if we went without saying or
doing something that might have changed us, our loved ones and others around
us. Do we really understand the simple joy in living each day to the fullest...
would we be shocked at the regrets we might have as we stood in eternity and
looked back and see the things we missed. I can say as of today I would carry many regrets, I would like to say that starting tomorrow I would work at not adding
anymore to the long list I already have. Truthfully I will probably add a
few more to the list before I die... but starting today I truly want to make a conscious
effort to live like I was dying.
In 2011 I watched someone whom I loved dearly die a horrible
death. He and the rest of the family, me included were so focused on the
disease we missed the chance to simply live... it is one of my biggest
regrets. We were so focused on chasing a
cure so we would have a tomorrow with him we completely missed 5 months and 8
days of today's that we could have made special for him and ourselves. We
became so entrenched in the dying process that after he passed many of us
forgot how to simply live again. I can’t
and won’t speak for the rest of those who loved him and were by his side during
his illness and death, but I can and will speak for myself. I was so wrapped up in being the most informed wife about the devil called cancer I forgot I had a husband who needed reassurance
he was still loved by his wife even in his fragile and unmanly state. He needed to hear I adored him and he needed
to hear less from me of what he needed to do to get better. He needed to hear that I still thought he was
attractive to me even in the mist of having to clean him and change him. He needed to simply hear me laugh and giggle
when he made a funny face and not see my scowling face that he was not taking serious what
I was trying to get him to understand at that moment.
I needed to simply enjoy
the vegetables that were growing in my garden instead of moaning that others had
to do the work for me. I should have
wanted to live more and love harder instead of shutting off all feeling and
thought of life that awful day I heard the words incurable cancer. I should have enjoyed the short lived coming
together of both our families instead of saying I told you so when they
disappeared and regretted how easily I shut them out after he died. I should have made an effort to be
gentle in spirit instead of trying to explain to God the flaw in the plan he
had for us. I shut down on April 19,
2011 and it took almost 2 years for me to even feel anything but anger and
hurt. On the rare occasion that I
allowed myself to feel anything, I spent days and weeks punishing myself for
feeling. I ceased to be I ceased to
live I ceased to love anyone or anything, especially myself.
Over the last year I have learned to live again through
gridded teeth and with many setbacks. I
have learned to love and trust again, but the road was very rough on me and
those around me because I fought it every step of the way. I have only recently
accepted that living is for the living and that I have a choice each day to
love those around me whole heartedly without fear. We are not promised tomorrow,
we only have today and we must choose not to miss the joy of this day worrying
about what may happen tomorrow. I have
lost many people whom I considered family and friends; I have been blessed with
new people and family since then. I have
spent close to a year being so fearful of what the future would hold in my new
relationship I missed many today's and the joy they could have brought simply
because of fear. People come and go in
our lives and truthfully we have no guarantee they will be with us tomorrow.
But we must be willing to live in today, be willing to risk the pain of
tomorrow to truly understand and enjoy this wonderful thing we call life.
Is there anything you would regret if
tomorrow was your last day? Don’t waste this day, tell the ones you love just
how much you love them, be brave and try that one thing you always wanted to
try... Live today as if you dying, the reward will be life and life lived to
the fullest!
