I am not sure where this blog will go or the point of it at
all, but I had a profound revelation this evening about myself and I need to
put it to paper. 18 months ago my
husband was diagnosed with incurable lung cancer that was already in stage 4 when
it was found... of course as believers we went into overdrive declaring,
believing, praying for healing and doing
everything medically we could do to save him... to no avail. He died 5 months
and 8 days from the day we heard the word cancer for the first time.
When we first found out my reaction was anger at God, after
all we were good Christians who were faithful to our congregation, I was
actively involved in several ministries, he was a tender man who would pray for
anyone and everyone, a good Christian
husband, brother and son, father and stepfather, we were doing all the right
things right. I was overwhelmed with guilt... had I failed as his wife to keep him
covered in prayer enough, why had I, the woman who could get a thus sayeth for
others missed the fact that my own husband had cancer for over a year and I
never “heard” a word about it? As we fought the good fight in the beginning of
this journey when I was not wallowing in
guilt I was angry at God and then at my husband as well... why was he going downhill so fast
GOD, why are You not healing him... where was his faith, why weren’t my prayers
being answered? WHY GOD WHY was this
happening to us. I kept up the appearance for everyone especially my husband of
being strong and handling it all. I waved the flag of faith over everything I
did, I prayed and I spoke all the right words. I gave my husband pep talks that
bored on bullying at times about how his healing was his for the asking. I would not allow anyone but me to care for him... I kept up with medicines,
doctor visits, midnight bathroom runs, cleaning and cooking, comforting him, comforting family members, listening to kids
and others bemoan this horrible thing, all the while I was dying inside... but
never the less I pressed on. I did it all up until the last hospital visit when the
doctors very clearly and bluntly said he only had weeks to live and then I grudgingly allowed others to help,
not because I wanted to but because I could not lift or tend to a 6 foot 200
pound paralyzed man by myself.
When he died I shut everyone out, I put on my good Christian
woman face and I walked around like I had the 5 months before, I jumped back into service at church, I
pressed forward, I said all the right things about the glorious future that God
had planned for me, but the truth under
that mask was ugly. I was angry at God,
my husband and everyone I came in contact with, I resented God for not healing
my husband, I was mad at my husband for not having faith and fighting to live,
I resented other their grief and their attempts to comfort me. How could they
understand what it felt like to be me. I
had lost not only my husband, but also my home, my way of life and everything I held
dear. The day my house closed I was handed a check for $68.41 and I thought, God
is that all 6 years of my life was worth.
But once again I put on the mask and I pressed on. I opened a door that day to move on with my
life and set myself up for another fall... the problem was I still had not
dealt with the one thing that was dogging me and the sad thing is until today I
had no clue it was there.... I believed with everything with in me that I was
the cause and the reason my life as I knew it was over, I believed that I was
the reason my husband was dead. I have carried that with me into everything I
have touched and done since that horrible
day we heard the word cancer. I have stumbled into and out of a few people’s lives and I wondered why I always
felt inadequate and unwanted around them after a time, I set people up to fail
me, because I was walking out a self-fulfilling prophecy that I was a failure
and unworthy. I had stepped upon a path of self-destruction and did not even
tell myself. 18 mths ago I declared myself a failure and unworthy and I have
walked in that lie and let it operate in every area of my life since then. It
has caused me great pain, it has caused
people to distance themselves from me, because I was trying to find my worthiness
in their approval of me and it has caused me to push people away all the while leaving
me wondering why. I still don’t have the
answers to why all this happened, I may never know. I don’t know why this all finally came to light now
but I do know this... I am going to get better, I am going to be whole and I am
going to be happy again... I deserve it and I am worthy.
