The song, Who Am I, by Casting Crowns is one of my favorites!
Recently however a book I am reading for a class, (Courage & Calling by Gordon T. Smith) is challenging what I believe about God,
myself and what I am called to do. Smith
says, “To live in truth, we must be true to who we are. But this is not possible unless we know who we are: how God has made us,
how we are unique, how God has enabled us to serve him in the church and in the
world.” (p. 54-55) And there is where the problem starts for me, over the last
2 years the entire life I thought I was going to have and was created to live
was shredded and strip away from me. I
was going to be the wife of my loving husband until I died, instead he died in
2011,and I became a widow at the tender age of 48. I was going to live out my
days in rural TN growing my heirloom vegetables making a little money and
continue to work as a volunteer at my church. I was going to grow old watching
my grandchildren run across the field behind my house laughing, growing and
multiplying. Instead I lost my home and was
left with a broken down car, no money and no hope... I was I was I was, until it was no more.
Now in the last 2 years as I have tried to
start over (and over and over) I find that most days I feel I am coming up against
a brick wall in all areas of my life.
With every step I take I feel that I am being pushed back or pushed away...
in my work and career goals, in my personal relationships and even in my
spiritual life. I am confused and quite
frankly WORE OUT! I feel the root of the
problem is that I no longer know who I am and as I seek validation from others
around me, through work and from God it fails and fails miserable at
times. Now understand I know my value
and validation must come from God, but
we must get out of the bubble of not taking other things in the natural world around
us into consideration. We draw and
surround ourselves with people, places and things that reflect where we are,
where we want to go or what we think we deserve. The days of Polly Anna Christianity are over
for me, I have begun to seriously look at the Jesus I believed in and sadly
have come to the conclusion I believed what I was taught and not necessarily what
I knew personally for myself. Which
brings me back to the realization that I have no clue who I am because I have
no clue about the purpose I was created for.
Who am I? Why am I? Where am I? What am I? The defenses I used in the
past to buck up, pull myself up, grin and bear it no longer work, another thing
that was stripped from me in this process.
My formulas of coping are also gone, my resolve to get it done and go on
are gone... so once again WHO THE HELL
AM I? A few weeks ago I woke to the
realization I am in this mess and I was not pleased by this revelation in
anyway. But then again maybe I am at
least relieved that at least I know the problem to why I have felt my whole
life was going to hell in a hand basket (yes I used that silly old phrase....
it so applies here) and I was helpless to change the direction.
This is what I do know at this point, I am not satisfied with my current life... I am adrift, I am
without a stable environment and I am not happy about it. I do not have any dreams for my future and I
have no clue where to start dreaming again.... the words “Holy discomfort”
comes to mind and that is not making me any happier. I know that I am in the mist of several
things I started while in a coma of simply existing and not living, which means
how do I trust any of it is real or actually for me. The word says in Jeremiah 29:11, “For I know
the plans I have for you,” says the Lord. “They are plans for good and not
for disaster, to give you a future and a hope.”"
Okay great... but some direction at this point or at least a clue would
be helpful. I so want to know who I am,
where I am going and my true calling and purpose in life, I crave it above all
things at this point. I want to live a
life of fulfillment and joy; I want to bring something to the table to share with
my family, the people I love and to those who You could use me to help. In prayer I hear wait and trust, and others
have confirmed that, but hey is it so wrong to want some direction from on High
and some sign that I am at least headed in the right direction or some red
flags that I am not ( at this point BIG RED FLAGS)? Job says, “though He slay me yet I will trust
Him” but let me tell you, I have been slayed and waylaid in every area of my
life recently and trust is a dicey deal for me right now.... just keeping it
real. I don’t want to sound hopeless or
helpless, I am just in short supply of said hope and feeling able, very frustrated
and confused! What many around me and
myself as well have failed to acknowledge is that the one thing God created me
to be is a woman, and as a woman I know He for some strange reason created us
to crave and flourish in stability and safety and that is in short supply in my
life at the moment, hence the frustration with those little words, trust and wait!
So God as I end this somewhat rant
against Your all-knowing Self, can I say I am trying and willing to move as You
direct, but as a woman can I get that map in writing... You wired me that way just saying!
