O Ye of little faith...

In my last blog I wondered aloud if we “the saints of God”  stuff some of our emotions as we are afraid they will reflect badly on God.  Now I am sure there were a few of you solid to the core and steadfast saints who were thinking…”no she is worried it will reflect badly on her, and she should not be blaming God for her immaturity... O Ye of little faith”.  Not to worry I was not offended by your silence,  I hope you were not offended by my thinking out loud.  I have tossed this idea around for a few days and I am still wondering if we are doing ourselves and others in the body  of Christ a disservice by not dealing with this issue more openly.  I by no means want to imply I have a solution to this enormous problem but maybe if just a few of us “saints” admitted aloud this simply truth... our heart, mind and spirit don’t always line up at the same time every time something bad happens in our world and sing hallelujah... maybe we could spare a few new believers  some unnecessary  pain and condemnation.  Being a woman who was never afraid of causing drama in her past  (rather enjoyed it at times to be honest) I am going to blog about this a little more so here are a few of my thoughts on the subject. The one verse I have most often pondered on in the last 8 months is  Job 13:15

“ Though He slay me, I will hope in Him. Nevertheless I will argue my ways before Him.”

 We who have been around the “church” for more than a minute have heard this great statement of faith. We mutter it under our breath in our moments of personal disaster, we chant it as if the longer we say it, we will instantly feel the same way (a poof of insta faith for you and me), we even use it as some kind of  prayer when dealing with difficult people.  But do we really have a true concept of what suffering is on the level of what Job experienced?  I don’t believe until you have experienced the loss of a child or a  beloved spouse do you even come close to understanding his anguish,  loss of this kind is the most personal of losses.  I  also believe we miss a BIG step in the process  of how Job went from his loss to the  moment of being able to utter this great statement of absolute faith and hope in God.  The first 11 or so chapters of Job consist of God giving Job over to the devil for testing, Job’s loss, his despair, depression, questions of why God why and his loving friends explaining to him how he somehow must have brought this on himself.   It isn’t until we get to Chapter 12 that Job really starts coming to a place of understanding that God is still God and finally in Chapter 13 he is able to declare in the mist of his disaster his faith and hope in this God who has let the devil have his way with him. Go read it for yourself… I personally was blown away.  If  Job took a few days or 13 Chapters to get to this place why are we as the body of Christ afraid to admit even for a second we have moments where we like Job say: 

For what I fear comes upon me, And what I dread befalls me. “I am not at ease, nor am I quiet, And I am not at rest, but turmoil comes.” (Job 3:25-26)

“Therefore I will not restrain my mouth; I will speak in the anguish of my spirit, I will complain in the bitterness of my soul. (Job7:11)

“Have I sinned? What have I done to You, O watcher of men? Why have You set me as Your target,

So that I am a burden to myself? (Job 7:20)

I want to think I am special and one of a kind, but even my ego is not big enough to think that I am the only one who has felt  this way.  I know I am not the first women who has lost her husband in the prime of their lives and didn’t lay down and say okay God now what; and EXCUSE ME, but don’t You think this is just a bit unfair!  Does this make me an immature believer?  A faithless child of God? A backslider?  Or a threat to the body of Christ in general?  No I think it shows I am just what I am… a woman who loved her husband and misses him. I heard something shortly after losing my husband… “what do you do when your circumstances do not line up  with your theology? You need to stop asking God why and start asking where is He in your circumstance.”  I think this is what Job did and I think it is what I am doing as strange as it may appear to some.   I am not afraid to ask why or where, no more than I believe HE is afraid of the question.  I like Job have come to a place of trusting that though HE may slay me I will trust HIM, the GREAT I AM. HE  is big enough to handle my hurt and love me (and not slay me)  just as I am even when I dare question HIM. I am thinking ole Job knew that as well!  I think that we as the body in general may fear such honest questioning of God because we don’t have the answers in the natural to fix such anguish.  We on some level are still unable to wrap our finite minds around an  infinite God that can handle not only the questions, the anguish, and the feeling of betrayal yet still be able and willing to love and heal that very anguish and then use that same child to pass the lesson on to others just as He used Job to pass it on to us!

Things that make me go………. HMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM!