There are going to be bad days!

There  are going to be bad days… there is no other way to say it.  One thing I have learned in dealing with cancer and losing my husband is that there are going to be bad days.  I had one of those days today… I have lost a lot in the last year and it appears that the loses are not done just yet.  I have spewed my emotional hurt and ugliness all over fb and then I tried to turn it into some type of lesson for others to learn from. But the simple truth is… I had a bad day.  Grief is funny like that it will not fit into a neat little time frame, a certain outline or even into one’s own theology at times.  It just is what it is… unreasonable pain because of the loss of a loved one.  In my case the loss of my soul mate and the gentlest / strongest man I ever met.   I have many issues in my life at the moment I have no control of  and the one person who I always depended on to help me walk through the unknown with is now gone and I feel so alone.  I call around looking for answers from friends and family, yet none of the answers I hear satisfy the hole in my heart… because it is not what I am really looking for.  What I am looking for I can longer have on this earth… his laugh to ease my way, his smile to tell me even in messes of my own creation I am loved, his hand to hold in the dark that reassures me even when it appears the whole world has gone to hell in a hand basket I am not alone.  I heard something earlier this evening that messed with my own theology… “give it to God be quiet and wait for Him to move.” Sound advice… advice I have given in the past, but here is the dilemma… I am a wounded woman who has just lost her husband and I have forgotten temporary how to trust.  Grief will do that to you… many a mature saint may never admit it but I can’t believe I am the only woman who has ever yelled her feeling of betrayal out to God after the loss of her husband way sooner than she had planned.  I have lost my place in this world… I am no longer his wife, I am now his widow… but each morning I wake still feeling as if I am a wife yet the man I want to be a wife to is now in Heaven and my heart breaks a new.  I fully expected to grow old with my Bobby…not grow old missing him.  We were supposed to grow old together, so old that one day the kids would have to take us out on our annual fishing trip to Natchez Trace.  Now I feel as if I will never be able to go fishing again for fear of the pain of missing him it will bring. All the assurances of it will be okay, it will get better don’t always penetrate the fog of pain that surrounds my heart. Did I mention there are going to be bad days. There are no words to wrap around how it feels… each person is different in how they deal with their grief; but I am going to bet even the most mature of the mature saints have bad days.  Sadly I wonder if we are so afraid it will reflect badly on God that we just stuff it instead of owning it for what it is.  Funny thing is the Word clearly says… there will be trials and tribulations… so where is the line between just spewing and being honest about our emotions?  I am trying to find the line even in the mist of the bad days…. I still have a deep desire to know I am not too far away from my Father’s will for my life even on the days I am not sure how much I trust Him.  Maybe just maybe the admitting of my lack will help me better see the way in this new season of my life!  My heart doesn’t understand… but my spirit still cries out to trust You Lord!